Found you
by Sakily
Summary: Latvia/Raivis had finally settled down in the small town he had escaped to. But even though he was happy, it was not quite over. AU settings and human-names. Abuse!
1. Reality

I didn't know it was this fun writing an AU. I actually managed to explain things too, since I'm usually bad at that, this was a fun experience.  
Tried to put in as many people as possible, even if they don't matter for the storyXD

Disclamer: I don't own hetalia, but that's pretty obvious anywayXD  
Warning:** Abuse!**

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"We're late!" Peter ran in front of me hurrying me on as we still had our schoolbags dangling in our hands. It was not as if we had far to go to our work place from school. The town we lived in was small; it had two schools, one for low grades, and one for the higher. The one I and my friends went to. Some small shops but if you wanted anything out from the ordinary; you had to take a bus or another sort of ride to a bigger town further away. I had never done it, I liked this town much better than the other ones I've been forced to move from. An old scar ached with sudden pain and I concentrated to holding the same speed as my friend. I hope I would be able to live peacefully in this town. Everyone here was nice too, even if Peter always said his brother was a jerk and I sometimes could feel like I didn't fit in. Everyone knew each other here, that's what made me most scared when I moved here at first. I didn't want to be found. So I held my distance, longing to having fun with my classmates and all the others. Peter was the first who discovered that and practically dragged me out from my little hole of isolation. After that, he helped me a lot. Getting me a job at the same café so that I could pay of my rent, not only using the money I got from my two brothers. They had both quitted school long ago, and was working away. I didn't know where. But they were always sending letters asking how I was doing and telling me what was going on over there, wherever they were. It's not like I didn't missed them, because I did that, a lot. But I knew this was something we had chosen ourselves, the best for our own safety. We took a quick turn, running into the heart of the village. The streets were placed out as circle, or a spiral. This helped with the "everyone knows everyone" part since it made the houses stay close to each other and the same streets was being used by everyone. Our destination lay in the middle of the spiral, where also the market place laid. Around the fountain at the centre was most of the shops, but some shops, like the little convenience store, was at other places.

Finally getting to the small café, we slowed down. The bell rang with a calming, home-feeling sound as we entered. It was middle sized, with about two rooms connecting to each other with a big door in between. There was also a stair going up to the second floor, but that's were only for employees, and there is where the kitchen laid too. Since our village was small, everyone here was practically regulars and I and Peter greeted most costumers that we passed on the way to the stair.

"Ah, there you are." Tino, one of the owners called just as he carried a tray filled with plates and glasses. He gave me the tray so fast that I almost dropped it from the quick handover. But after swaying it back and forth for a moment I regained control and managed to keep it still. When I was new here I would always drop the trays, shaking all the time. I remember a specific time, when I had dropped it and cut my hands. Then I had been too embarrassed (and scared) that someone would notice my clumsiness and I had tried to hide it. It was only a few minutes though before the other owner, Mr. Berwald (also called Tino's husband unofficially, but if you said it while the smaller one heard he would start blushing madly denying it) discovered it. He can be scary sometimes, and I was truly afraid at the beginning. But when he saw he simply hurried away finding bandage, cleaning and wrapping the cut with unlikely gentleness. I realised he was probably the sort of guy who spent times sewing or anything like that (found out even later that he actually had sewn the clothes we worked in). After the wound was patched up he once again disappeared without a word, coming back with a small cup-cake. It's safe to say that after that day, I wasn't scared anymore. Actually, after knowing the "couple" a little bit more, I got to know that Tino's temperament wasn't to play with (where did he get that gun from anyway?).

Tino dried his hand on the blue apron he wore and smiled at us. "Can you carry that to the kitchen? Then you can fetch your clothes on the second floor." Before we could answer there was a ring from the counter and Tino hurried away with a happy "Welcome." Both of us looked at each other before laughing, and then Peter helped me putting the dishes into the big washing machine in the small kitchen. It couldn't really be called "kitchen" though, it was really small and was mostly used for storage of the cakes and drinks we didn't have by the counter. We. That sounded so strangely normal in my ears.

We did as we were told and also said hi to Berwald and helped him taking a little bit of the new order inside to the kitchen/storage. And was then sent to help Tino out with serving. It wasn't a hard job, but you had to hurry through the tables picking up trays of dishes and serve at the same time. I went to a table where two empty plates and two cups, that about a half hour ago were filled with tea and café latte, as a young couple rose up to leave. The brown haired man was the typical old-type gentleman, pulling out the chair of his female counterpart, and then helping her getting her jacket on. The woman giggled over this, but still played her part as an innocent maiden. Miss Elizabeth suddenly saw me and smiled.

"Oh, good evening Raivis." She said, and quickly organized the dishes so it would be easier for me to carry. I did say everyone was nice here, didn't I? I thanked her quickly, but before I could take it a loud voice just calling for trouble announced itself.

"Hey! Rod!" the rough voice with unhidden arrogance and amusement came from a group sitting some tables away and the white haired albino smirked. "I don't know that Liz has gotten into you, but you should know that she's not really an innocent little girl~" Even though it was said to Roderich his red eyes was staring mockingly at Elizabeth. I quickly snapped the cups from the table before she could use them as weapons she could throw at Gilbert. This was not unordinary around here so I prepared to sneak away when Gilbert spoke again. "Oy, Rai, can you bring me another bier too!" He rose his glass as if to show it was empty and smiled. I smiled back at the man and nodded, walking away to the kitchen once again. There I left the dishes, since the wash machine still cleaned the last round, before fetching a beer from the refrigerator and headed back. Elizabeth and Roderich had already left, but Gilbert had a red bruise from a slap which alarmed what had happened. "Thanks Rai." He said as I gave him the beer and he patted my hair, something he had started with a while ago and it had gotten to a habit. Gilbert was often rough and a troublemaker (together with two of his friends also sitting amongst the pretty big group at the table), but it was said Gilbert tended to like soft and cute things, he could sometimes be seen with a chicken on his head (though I didn't know if he knew it himself).

I picked up the tray that (not surprisingly) had been organized perfectly by Gilbert's little brother. Ludwig was one of the people that you also could get scared by, as he looked stern and was very strict. As if to lighten the tensed mood that always gathering around the German, he always seemed to have the little Italian, Veneziano, clinging to his arm. The cheery person was always smiling and often proclaimed his love for Ludwig, in Italian mostly. That would, of course, show a softer side of Ludwig as he blushed and could sometime whisper "Ja, ja, Ich liebe dich auch..." something I learned from Gilbert meant "I love you too" in German. Come to think about it... It lived many different people from many different countries here. Just at that table, There were the two Germans (Prussian, Gilbert would always say he was, but I'm not sure what he meant...), Veneziano and his brother, Romano, were Italian. Romano had his boyfriend from Spain... Antonio I think it was. And Francis was unsurprisingly, French. It was more countries than I had ever been to.

When father was still alive, I and my brothers had gone with him on his trips through some countries. But then he died, and we had been moved to a relative's care...

"Raivis!" Peter's voice woke me up, and I realized that I was shaking so bad that some glasses would have fallen if my friend hadn't grabbed the tray and held it with me. "Are... you alright?" Concern in that usually cheery voice. I shook my head and managed a weak smile.

"Yeah, I'm f-fine. Just spaced out for a bit." I laughed shyly as I tried to strike it over, not succeeding well counting from Peter's distrusting look. But when he realized that I didn't want to say more (I didn't even want to think about it) he shrugged and told me I should tell him later. I was glad he didn't force me to tell him and thanked him quickly before Tino called for us, and we were back as normal. But I kept avoiding him unconsciously and I think he noticed it and was close to me all the time. For once I actually became glad when the doorbell clang and "the jerk", alias Peter's older brother came in and it took about two minutes until they were in a loud argument. I took my time to escape to the other floor. Deciding to take a break, since I couldn't get my hands to fully stop shaking, I sat down by a little table next to a window.

A shill stoked by my neck and a shill drove by my spine, I quickly rose and looked around. It felt like it had gotten much colder. My heart started beating and breathing got harder. I ran around trying to find the source, and I finally found a window being slightly open. I pulled it closed with shaking hands. I couldn't stand coldness. I sat down in the corner next to the window concentrating only on breathing until the room had been warmed up. Not until then I managed to go down and continue with my work.

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At the time we went home it had already been dark for an hour or so. Even though the café usually closed by twilight I and Peter usually stayed with Tino and Berwald a while after, simply talking or eating. Sometimes I got the feeling that they acted as the parents Peter didn't have since he lived with his brother, and I could get a bit jealous. But after a while they also started treating me a little bit the same way, and I felt happier that I'd been in a long time. I felt like this town was my home. Peter lived a bit further down on the street I lived on, and he even followed me going by the convenience store getting things for tomorrow. Peter looked down in the bag I've been carrying. "Do you only need that?" his voice made a little up going as he balanced on the edge of the pavement and for a moment lost his stability. I nodded.

"Yeah, I'll shop more tomorrow, but for now I think I've got most I need." I smiled and Peter stopped balancing and walked normally next to me instead.

"Do you think I can stay over? I got this awesome game by Alfred, but Jerk doesn't let me try it. So I was wondering if we could play at your house?" his eyes practically sparkled in the light from the streetlights and I really felt like inviting him. But remembering last time he stayed over without telling Arthur, his brother had been _preeeeetty_ angry. Peter had refused to even talk to him and had been sulking some days after and it had taken all of my and our friends, Sey and Lilly's power to get him up again.

"Maybe some other day," I declined even though wanting to play with him really much. I didn't feel like being alone tonight. He looked sad but looked up just as we stopped outside my small red house, and smiled at me.

"I'll call you tomorrow then!" He put his schoolbag on the ground and shuffled around inside it, pulling out a dark looking game-cover and gave it to me. "Jerk will probably take it away if he got to see it, so can you keep it 'til tomorrow?" I looked at it and made a face. It was the typical war-game that Alfred liked, and Arthur hated.

"Sure," I agreed as he rose up and started running down the street backwards, waving. I waved back to him with the game before the dark swallowed him and I started walking up the lane to my door.

The door went up without a problem and I yawned as I went into the small corridor. It seemed like I was more tired than I thought. There was the sound of paper under my shoe and I realized I had stepped on some letter lying on the floor. That's weird; I usually didn't get so many letters. I lit the lamp and picked up the letters on the blue entrance mat where "welcome" stood with pink letters. It was one of Toris's friends that had helped me decorate my house to make it look "fabulous", and well, I can't say he didn't succeed, but it had taken me and Toris a lot of time convincing Feliks that pink was not my colour. I laughed for myself as I entered the small kitchen sitting down on one of my chair laying the letters in front of me. Toris was sure good at picking up weird people. It had later also turned out he knew Alfred through some weird way, and that was the reason I ended up here. But still, I sighed, that day when Feliks where here was the last time I saw him, about one and a half year ago. And the time since me and Eduard was in the same room was even longer.

I looked at the first letter. It was a bill; also the second one was that which made me raise an eyebrow. That was weird, usually they would be sent to Toris or Eduard since I couldn't pay for it myself. But I let it be, sometimes when the mail-service changed bosses, they don't know what they should do and just send it to me. The third and the fourth were as expected both letters from my brothers. I would have to read them later. I picked up the last letter, missing the little word "**important!**" at the back of Toris letter to me.

My hand went cold. I recognized the handwriting, and the way my name was written made me hear his voice in my head. I could just stare at the letter, and those words. There was no way. He shouldn't know where I was, Toris had made sure... But what if he had found Toris first.

I looked up again gazing down at the oh-so-innocent white letter, taking it up with trembling hands. With a little bit of trouble I opened it, a warning bell ringing in my head, only being filled out by blood beating in both ears. Finally a small white paper fell from the envelope and the words began to become shaky as the trembling I always used to have started again. Two words. Written in Russian:

**нашел****тебя**

_Found you._

I dropped the letter, a gasp escaping through my hand as I held it in front of my mouth from shock. No way. N-no way! It was only after that I realized that the door hadn't been locked when I got home, even when I locked at least five times before I left. How could I forget such a thing!? I pulled myself together and started walking out from the kitchen, not even breathing. I didn't want this... but I had to see. The light was on in the living room, I knew it wasn't that when I got to school this morning. I entered the small room.

He stood with his back against me. Ash-blond hair being the exact way I remembered it, he even had the beige scarf around his neck letting it fall calmly over his clothes. While humming on some strange lullaby he looked through the titles of all the books I had in the shelf. "You really do like to read, don't you?" Ivan suddenly spoke and quickly spun around, putting his hands on his back and with a childish smile playing on his lips. "Right, Raivis?" he spelled out my name, and looked straight into my eyes, taunting. He walked around a bit, looking curiously at everything. "You've made yourself quite home steady here I see..." he picked down a photo that hanged on the wall. It was on one of the first days out with my friends here, we were all just eating ice-cream and laughing (though I can swear you can see Lilly's older brother in the background). A maybe typical stage for most in my age. But that had been my first time out with people my age, just having fun without worries. It was one of my most precious things. "And you also seem to have gotten people important to you." His voice got dark as he dropped the picture on the floor. The glass shattered at his feet I winced from the sound. Danger, danger. My mind screamed as he made his way over to me. But I couldn't move, my legs were as if frozen to the floor and I bowed my head. "Raivis, look at me," his voice was so sickly sweet, but I knew this was the most dangerous stage. I didn't dare to look up; I didn't want to see him! A cold hand grabbed my chin and only the feeling of the skin shot pain through my nerves. He tilted my head upwards to him. Ivan smiled, and continued with the same calm and sweet voice. "Raivis, what the hell were you thinking?"

A hard slap sent me down on the floor and tears started breaking forward. It hurt and I knew a bruise was already forming on my cheek. But it awoke me from the temporarily paralyze that I'd had and I tried to get away. The same hand as before found my hair and pulled me upwards until I was standing on my knees. Ivan got down enough to be at my eyesight. The smile was still like a shadow on his lips, and it sent shivers by my back. "Why did you run this far, my little Raivis?" he tilted his head and waited for me to answer, but I couldn't get my mouth to form a single word. I knew I had to apologize, and that quick for him to maybe have some mercy on me. But I realized. I didn't want to become like that again, it had been so hard to build up myself after getting away. Maybe Ivan saw some kind of resolve in my eyes, or he took my silence as an answer. He sighted. "What has these people done to you? I have to start over again." He rose up and forced me up too, tightening the hold on my hair. I clawed at his hand, trying to get him to let go. He moved my head a bit slowly to the left and I understood too late what he was about to do. He smashed my head into the wall and I screamed, feeling a wound appear and blood trickled down on the side of my head. The world span, but I could feel him letting my hair go and I sank down on the floor, crying loudly. With just a light push on my shoulder I slid to the ground, trying to regain control over my mind. It hurt. It hurt really much. Ivan placed himself over me with one foot on each side, looking down with an unimpressed expression.

"Toris could take much more than this."

My sight was immediately clear, before it faded into dizziness again from tears running freely. "Wh-what have y-you done with h-him?" I managed to stutter and he laughed; a sound that made it feel like it ripped in my soul. Ivan lowered himself and dried away the tears on one side of my face. The smile got wider as I tried to get away from the gentle touch.

"Don't worry little one, I just made a quick visit and gave both him and Eduard a little warning." He rose up again and looked away for a moment, before glancing back down on me. "I decided I should fetch you first because you were the youngest. Who knew how much the world would have destroyed such an innocent mind as your own. I was worried." The way he talked was like a parent talking to his child that had been out long after when the curfew had been set, just as I once heard Arthur complain at Peter. Somehow that seemed so far away. My eyes glanced over to the broken glass over the room. "Don't look away Raivis." Ivan's boot connected with my chest, I screamed a short scream before the boot pressed down on my chest and pushed all the air inside me out. "Look – at – me." He ordered and increased the pressure on my chest after every word. I finally managed to look up, and that seemed to make him satisfied enough. The boot was lifted and I was grateful for the air flowing into my lungs, I coughed. "Good boy!" I could hear on his voice that his smile had gotten childish again, but his tone was still overwhelmed with darkness and sadistic pleasure. Ivan started walking away for a moment, seemingly looking for something, he mumbled all the time. I could only sometimes pick up what he said, and I didn't like it. "You're so obedient Raivis… but you still have to be punished… I'm sure you'll understand." He'd snapped. I had seen it before, that's from where I got most my scars. Bruises faded so easily. I slowly closed my first, as if to try to see if I could move. I knew he would hurt me. He would hurt me badly. The breath stopped in my throat and it made me feel like puking only thinking about it. The fear that paralyzed me before was now giving me strength. I just hoped it was enough. I got up, as quickly as I could. At first the world span around me once again, but I managed to get to the door and locked it up. Ivan called after me; I could hear his steps coming closer. I pushed up the door and ran.

It was cold outside as my bare feet hit the pavement. I had to get away, anywhere. At the same time I didn't want to involve someone. My breath was rough and raspy and it was so cold! The wound in my head itched and the world swooned for a moment. Pain. My back suddenly burned with horrible pain and I screamed a high scream which echoed creepy into the empty street. I heard Ivan's breath behind me as I fell down at the pavement. It was not from the chase, I knew that, he was really mad now. He walked over to me and I tried to push myself away, not succeeding in the least. He dragged something against the asphalt that sounded strangely metallic. A metal pipe came in my view when Ivan stood next to me. He grabbed my collar and with strength I seemingly had forgotten he put me over his shoulder walking back the way I had run. Tears ran freely down my face and on to his back as I grasped his coat. It was over. The shaking I had been able to put on hold started and I knew it wouldn't stop this time. How could something I worked so hard to manage fall apart so easily? Why is it so easy to ruin a life?

Ivan locked the door behind us and dropped me onto the floor. My back ached and I screamed without a sound having all of my air beaten out of me. "Raivis…" Ivan pulled the pipe after him as he walked around me. I curled up, instinct being the only thing left. "Why do you always run? What do you think we should do to stop that awful habit?" A giggle. He had stopped behind my back, and looked smiling at me. "We should make sure you can't run, da?" My eyes tracked his, trying to find what he was thinking. He raised the pipe and stroke right down on my ankle.

It was broken. I knew it the moment I could practically hear the bones crack in my leg. I screamed and pulled my leg up against my body, even though that hurt even more. I just wanted to protect it if Ivan felt like striking again. He laughed. "Stand up Raivis! I want to see if you can stand!" A gunshot shot through the sound and Ivan suddenly became quiet and looked annoyed at the attacker, like a child being interrupted in a game. Maybe that was just it. I sobbed and looked up to where the shot had come from.

"Back off from Raivis." Tino's voice was filled with dread and he had a rifle in his hand, pointing towards Ivan. He wasn't the only one there. Berwald stood behind Tino, and Peter looked horrified at me from behind Arthur. I suddenly felt like laughing over the scene. Peter actually clung to his brother's arm, something I've never seen before. "B-back off I told you." Tino warned again lifting the rifle higher, but Ivan simply laughed mockingly lifting his hands in surrender like scheme. But he backed. The moment after Berwald hurried over to me, and I felt myself being lifted up. My ankle had become numb from the pain, but as I was moved it was if fire shot through over and over and I had to bite my tongue so that I wouldn't scream. For a moment no sounds other that my sobbing and the breaths of all was heard. But then Ivan sighted.

_"I'll let you play for now, but sooner or later I'm going to pick you up." _It took a second before I realized that he had spoken Russian and I probably was the only one understanding. I whimpered and Berwald secured the grip around me. There was a click as Ivan locked up and opened the door again. _"I'll see you soon again," _He smiled; I just knew it but then the door closed and Tino lowered his rifle. I started crying again and felt a small shaking hand brushing away my tears.

"Raivis, I-I'm here…" Peter hugged me as good as he could and I could feel him crying too.

"Peter." Arthur spoke and seemed to be thinking. "Get home and bring out the extra bed in your room, take Alfred's old things if needed." I looked up at him. The usual calm expression was shaken, and he rubbed his temple while speaking.

"No!" Peter sudden yelled out, before calming down and looked worried at me as if it was my ears being hurt. I smiled at that and he smiled reassuring back at me. "I- I want to be with Raivis for now…" He looked strangely shy, even if he usually would do as much as he could to refuse whatever Arthur said. Arthur himself looked surprised, but managed a small kind of smile.

"Then make sure that you don't let him out of your sight." Peter cracked up in a sunshine smile, and saluted while agreeing loudly. Arthur picked up his cell phone and dialed some numbers. Peter clung to my arm and he jumped up and down.

"See, now we can be together, so you've got nothing to worry about. I'll watch over you! And when you get better, we'll play that game…" When he got to the game he lowered his voice as if that was still important keeping from Arthur. "And maybe we could bring the girls too? You know, Lilly's freaking good at shooting games." Ah, he was back to normal. I felt relived and smiled another time at him, before I finally let myself black out from the pain.

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A few notes as this is done:  
The "father" of the baltics is just a random person.  
The reason they all showed up was because: Peter had thought Raivis had looked sad, and had gone to check up on him. He saw what was happening and ran to get Arthur. Not even he is stupid enough to try something. And Tino was out walking with HanatamagoXD (Later fetching his rifle and Berwald). I had thought this up beforehand, but didn't find a good place to put it inXD

Flames are welcomed. I wan't to be better, so please, give me some good critism about what I can improve on. Of course, tell me if you liked it tooXD


	2. Dream

So, his chapter beame a bit shorter than the last one, but I think it's enough. Not as dangerous content in this either... wanted a calm chapter after the last one. (I'll be going back with the next chapter to the things this story is about.)  
Thank you to those who read, and comments^^ I'm grateful to you!

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The game was exactly as I had expected. During the days I spent at the hospital we finished it two times. On the game there were also an all against all setting, and in the end Lilly won all the time. Anyone who didn't know her would never had guessed, since she was gentleness and innocence personified. But after you had met her brother, it was no wonder she easily could take on the rest of us.

"Lilly!" Peter's eyes were glued to the screen just as his side of it got red and "game over" was written over his character. His attacker, the blond short-haired girl sitting in between my other two friends giggled and her character did some sort of victory dance. "Stop killing me!" He whined as Lilly turned her concentrating towards Sey, who was currently trying not to be shot by her friend. As the girls started an intense battle for victory, Peter crawled up in the sick bed that I'd been staying in for the last couple of days. It had been five days, if I counted it right, since Ivan had made his visit. I still had bandage around my head, sometimes it swooned. The doctors had said I'd gotten a pretty hard headshake and it had been surprising that I even could move after something like that. No one had said it, but the words had hung in the air; Panic makes people stronger. My back was pretty much a big bruise overall and luckily nothing had been broken. I knew what could have happened if Ivan had used all of his strength. I'd heard about those things on the TV and had read some books about it. If he had broken of my spinal cord, my lower half could have been completely useless. I could have been paralyzed. Then I wouldn't be able to move, or even sit up by myself as I was doing now. A shiver spread through my body as I imaged what he would do if I couldn't move, couldn't fight. I hugged myself as my body started trembling, that stupid habit had started again. Just to get the image away I moved my legs, getting my body to remember that I was able to move. Then I felt Peter's hand on my shoulder and I quickly snapped my eyes open. Damn. I can't let him keep seeing me like this. Also the girls had turned around, and the same worried, caring glance was in their eyes. I suddenly felt like crying seeing it. "Should we maybe close the window? It's pretty cold in here after all." Peter laughed. And Sey immediately got up. The screen behind her showed the wins of the game. Lilly had (of course) beaten the hell of us all and she had won 72 games of 87. Those fifteen times she hadn't won, she hadn't played.

Sey ran to the window pulling it closed, I casted a glance to outside the glass. It was a beautiful day; the sun was shining over a blue sky. The hospital's white walls reflected all the light making the day seem even brighter. But the whole week had been like that. Three days after I've gotten here (I was unconscious the whole first day) Peter took me out with a wheelchair, racing around the hospital and outside. Of course, we had been having a lot of doctors and nurses after us, and after a quick phone call, Arthur. It was scary being pushed around in such a speed at first (especially in the stairs), but after a while it disappeared. We laughed a lot. Well, at least until Arthur had caught us. We had gotten us a real scolding and an order to get me immediately back to my room. We had done as he told us, but not before taking a turn around the garden, going in normal speed this time. It was really beautiful outside, and we found a flower garden in a corner of the hospital. Peter had been kind enough to pick me some flowers that we could decorate my room with. The room I was in was single, so I didn't have someone other in the room as most other patients had. Tino had said it was because I was a child, but I knew the real reason. I wonder how many times they had heard me scream in my dreams. The room was simple, it was plain white, with two windows facing the side of the hospital, and the view also showed some of the city that I currently stayed in. We had a hospital in the small town, back _home_ (a warm feeling filled my stomach), but that was only for emergencies. Peter had said it took about forty minutes to get here so I didn't really expect it that both Lilly and Sey had gotten down here during the time I and Peter had been out. They had already put up the game controls and were about to start the game as we came back. I bet the look on my face were priceless when we walked into the white room.

They had gotten here after school every day after that. And we played, did homework and all the other things we used to do before… I was really grateful having friends like them. I don't know how I would manage without them all cheering me up. Of course, Tino and Berwald visited almost every day. Arthur too. That way, I was never alone, only at nights. The evenings could be lonely, and I would always try to fall asleep before the sunset, just to get the night over with. Those empty nights, that seemed even lonelier than they had been back in town, made me feel grateful over what I had.

"We should go to the sea soon again." Sey suddenly said as she sat down, cross legged, at the floor next to Lilly again. "It should be warm enough by this time."

"And filled with perverts, like every time on the years." Peter said with sarcasm, but Sey ignored him and we started making plans. Of course this would be placed some weeks in the future since my injuries had to become fully healed. But one thing led to another and we didn't notice the time passing. Not until Vash showed up in the doorway with a frown on his face. Not that he usually smiled though.

"Lilly, we're going home now…" he made a quick nod as a greeting to the rest of us and Lilly rose up. "Oh right… Sey, you come with too." He continued and stomped impatiently with his foot on the floor. (Lilly had explained that was because he didn't feel safe. Her brother couldn't bring his guns into the hospital). Sey got up too, and looked wondering at Vash, just as Peter and I did. He was not the kind of person that would drive a friend of his sister home… come again, Sey was a girl after all. "I… might have kind of…" was that a blush? "…have shot that molesting Francis." He ended and shrugged. I tried not to laugh, as Sey sighed loudly.

"What did he do this time?" She muttered and started proceeding with Lilly to the door. "I'm ashamed to call him my uncle." I was not actually sure if or how Sey and Francis were related, but she lived with him anyway. Wash was... the closest to a cop we had in the town and he helped Arthur controlling so that rules would be followed. Wash never really killed anyone, but he used a sort rubber-bullet that hurt pretty much according to the ones who had gone over the line of Wash's temperament (which was pretty easy). And after that it was obvious that Lilly had inherited her magically aim from him.

"We'll be going then," Said girl made a quick bow and smiled that innocent smile just as she hadn't kicked our asses in a war game one or two hours ago. Her dress swirled around her as she turned around and she and Sey disappeared, the dark skinned girl saying that I should get home quickly before they were out from my sight. Peter sat down on the bed side when we got alone.

"Shouldn't you get going to?" My voice had amusement in it, but still, I hated being left alone. Peter lay down, head resting on my stomach. I didn't bother pushing him of.

"I've decided I'm gonna wait here 'til Jerk shows up." He said plainly and grinned. "And since Alfred came home yesterday, so I think it's gonna take some time," I don't know how Alfred and Arthur started to know each other, because they weren't related by blood. Toris had once said, (by the time we came to the city together to drop me of) that the relationship the two of them had went further away than family bounds. I didn't get what he meant, since the only ones I had actually been close to were my brothers. Well, it didn't take long time after I'd moved in, and Peter and I had gotten friends when I started to understand. Arthur and Alfred was almost constantly fighting, or teasing each other. But they were always together anyway. They were close to each other, even if they were so different. Arthur was pretty strict with how things would be done, how and when. He often took control and bossed with everyone. At the same time Alfred was the sort of person you couldn't keep a hand on. He was often of in the world, and on one of those trips he met and got friends with Toris. The two of them had somehow kept contact, still kept it if I remembered it right. "Hey," Peter interrupted my thoughts. "Should we play some more?" he motioned towards the game that still stood on and smiled smugly. "Can you imagine how surprised Lilly would become if we made up some kind of awesome tactic and then just took her on like… bam!" he said overly dramatic and I laughed. I could imagine that yes, but imagine that we could actually do it was a whole different thing.

"Sure thing," I agreed and we shuffled down to the end of the bed, Peter quickly handing me one of the game consoles.

"Ready?" he asked, not even glancing at me. I smiled, I had really been lucky getting such a good friend.

"Ready."

"Yo! how are you feeling Rai!" Alfred's loud voice interrupted and Peter quickly threw himself forward, turning of the game. We had been discovered once, and that had been enough.

"This is a bloody hospital, don't talk so loud." Arthur's voice was annoyed and I realized that the two of them had been spending at least forty minutes alone in a car. And they would also be spending forty minutes back, plus Peter. I suddenly pitied my friend very much.

"Eh~ I was only greeting Rai…" Alfred said and both sounded and looked awfully innocent, well, except the giant grin always being present on his face. Arthur simply grunted as an answer, Alfred seemed to take it as his victory since he made the peace sign towards us. Peter smiled and put his thumb up. "So, back to the question. How are you?" he still had that jokingly tone in his voice, but his eyes told me he knew everything. I shrugged.

"I'm just fine." Peter suddenly put his arm around me.

"Of course he's fine, he's got me!" I would have loved to agree with him, but that would have been way to embarrassing. Luckily, there was a doctor interrupting before it got to awkward for me.

"Excuse me?" He looked into the room and seemed to judge the situation. "Is anyone of you the legal guardian of…" he looked into the papers he was holding. "…Raivis Galante?" It became quiet in the room, and I could see Arthur and Alfred share a quick glance. Officially Ivan was still my guardian… but it wasn't as if we could say that.

"I am." Arthur quickly said and took the journal from the doctor, scanning the pages closely. After reading some, he quickly looked up at me with something you may call a surprised look before going back down in the papers again. He scribbled something at the last page, before handing the journal back to the doctor who nodded quickly.

"Thank you." Then he left us alone again.

The silence stayed for about two seconds, before Alfred started poking Arthur on his cheek. "What was it about Arty~" He went from poking to pinching and it was kind of obvious he did rather want to annoy Arthur than interest himself in some paperwork. You could practically seem how Arthur's eyebrows started twisting, ready for an outburst.

But it didn't come. "It was good news." Arthur slapped away Alfred's hand and looked at me. "Raivis can come home tomorrow."

"Really!" Peter sounded excited and really happy. "That's great!" He turned his face towards me, and was almost sparkling. "Then we can continue playing, we have not manage to kill those bastards but-" He inconveniently clasped his hands over his mouth as if to point out that he had said too much.

"Peter…?" Arthur breathed slowly in and out, rubbing his temples slowly. "What did I tell you about playing that game?" he was just breathing in and we prepared us for another scolding when Alfred literary pushed Arthur out of the way.

"Wasn't it just awesome? Did you manage the whole thing?" he said enthusiastically and Peter answered with just the same energy in his voice.

"Yeah! Twice!" He said proudly and I wondered if I was the only one seeing a fire starting up behind Arthur.

"You two…" he started and they finally seemed to realize how close Arthur was to snap. "Get the bloody hell out to the car! Right now!" he pointed to the door and glared at them making even me shrink a bit. At first Peter tried to object, but it was quickly rejected by Arthur and they finally gave up. Mumbling a little bit when they walked to the door, Peter turned around before they went out, flashing a grin. "We'll come to pick you up tomorrow then!" then the two loud mouths closed the door and I could hear their voices fade. An awkward silence was created as I was left with Arthur. For a moment I thought I would get a scolding too, but when he finally spoke, the words were soft. "Why didn't you say anything?" He looked at me and then shook his head, when I looked away.. "Are you sure you're going to be okay?" I smiled a smile I hope was reassuring.

"Yes, I'm just fine." He seemed to hesitate for a moment before sighing and telling me good night. Naturally I answered him with the same before he walked out from the room, and the last thing I heard was him screaming at his two "brothers" that they were **not** allowed to run in the hallways. They were all gone now. Arthur had been right of course, but I hadn't the heart to tell them… I pulled up my knee against my body, wetting the hospital gown with tears. In the end, it had gotten pretty much as he had wanted it. After I woke up, the doctor in charge had spoken with me about the injuries. Apparently Ivan had broken of the ankle at the joints, and full recover was impossible. He told me that I would be able to walk, and could be just as normal, but because the bones working together was misplaced so I should try to put as little pressure on it as possible. So in the end, I wouldn't be able to run. That, was a truly terrifying thought. But… I hugged myself tighter, before I switched of the lamp and lay down. I had so many around me right now, I felt safer than ever. With that thought in mind, I drifted to sleep.

_I didn't know why I woke up; I just remember my eyes being snapped open for some reason. It was dark, so I couldn't see what time it was. The moon shone through the glass of the windows and sent a silvery light sprawling on the floor. Somewhere out there the wind was howling with a lonely sound, and trembles started going through my body. I sighted, shaking my head and then buried it in the pillow under me. I had gotten real paranoid lately. I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep again. The light that got through my eyelids got darker and I opened them again, not breathing. A shadow stopped the light from coming. There was a movement from the side of my bed, and before I could react, (my body felt heavier than usual) he was all around me. Gloved hands closed around my throat. I struggled, panicked trying to get the hand of me, but to no use. My throat felt so dry, and I started to notice the effects from the lack of oxygen. Dots fell all over my sigh and the blackness slowly overtook my mind. The walls around me had become gray and hard, the room had no windows anymore. My hands feel to my side to the floor I laid on, it was cold and I wished I could get up. The calming light from the moon was long gone. The only thing I saw through the darkness, was violet eyes glinting madly from over me. Chuckles came from a Cheshire-like grin and I let out a strangled noise, my body giving up. _

I screamed.

The bed creaked from my sudden get up and cold sweat ran down my neck. My breath was shaking, filled with sheer panic and fear. But I could breathe, more or less at least. Clouds had shielded the moon for a moment, but slowly the pale light started to break through and the room was filled with a cold light. I was just able to make small gasps before my heart finally calmed down. I lay down again, snuggling into the cover, pulling it up all the way to my nose. I concentrated on what I could see though the darkness. A chair in the corner of the room. The small table at my bedside. The TV and the game consoles. Finally the memory drifted back into its place in the back of my head, and the feeling of being choked faded quickly. I managed to once again fall asleep.


	3. Past

Got into a minor writerblock when I'd written about half of it, but I got over it.  
As always, I write to get better, therefore, help me with my terrible grammar, 'key? :3

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I was glad Arthur came to pick me up directly in the morning. It was about seven he got me out from the hospital, and neither Peter nor Alfred should have woken up at the time. I got crutches from the doctor, and he told me that we would have to return after two weeks for a checkup, and then they would see if or when I could take off the bandage. Arthur helped me out, but then moment we got into the car and started going on the road home, it was so comfortable that I missed most of the ride dozing off. But I woke up when we drove into the avenue we were living in. It was dark in my house, the only light coning from the morning sun shining into the windows. Other than that, nothing had changed. It almost felt like Arthur would simply drop me off, as he had done during the times he (for some reason) drove me and Peter from school. But we simply kept going by it, and I'm not sure if Arthur even noticed that I was awake. He had told me that I could fetch my things later and now, I should only make myself at home at their place. The house the three of them lived in was a bit bigger that mine, even though most of the time only Peter and Arthur stayed there. It had a small garden with many beautiful roses of all colors bloomed. Red, white, you name it. I knew the names of some of them, since Arthur liked to care about them and liked to talk about them too. The roses were not the only thing I knew about in the house. Coming to visit Peter pretty often I knew every room, so settling in would probably not be so hard. But it still felt weird going (ah, well, jumping with one leg at least) through the door, and to think of it as "home". Peter had already gone off to school, so he weren't home.

Alfred was, and he spent the time when I came running around introducing me to the house. (I hadn't the heart to tell him that I had been here enough times to know it in and out). I probably knew the house even better than him, being that he had been out of town for about two months. When he for the third time lost track of what he was saying, I excused myself with the reason of being tired. He calmed down enough and showed me up to Peter's room, joking about me taking his place in the house. Then he left and disappeared down the stairs again. I sat down on the extra bed that had been placed out for me at the opposite side of where Peter's bed was. His bed was made up of the colors white and blue. Like the sea which he loved as much as Sey, maybe even more. Arthur had said that I would have taken Alfred's stuff, but since he came home it seemed like they had taken some of my things here. Also, on the bed, two letters lay unopened. I picked the first one, smiling at the computer written address. Even while sending letters Eduard couldn't bring himself to write with pens. I ripped it open. It began with the usual, him telling how he was doing and how it was on his current job. Nothing about Ivan. So this had to be sent before he "visited" Eduard. That made me a bit worried. How was he doing right now? I really hoped he wasn't hurt, but I knew there was no way I could check. The only contact I had with him was through letter. We never called, never visited each other. After eyeing through it quickly I took up Toris letter. He always wrote by hand, and this time his style was messy and quickly made. I gulped, pressing down the bad feeling in my stomach.

_Dear Raivis._

_I wish I could tell you the usual, but I can't. Please, leave. I'm sorry, but he came, and found your letters. I couldn't do anything. Please be safe. I'll be staying by Feliks house for now. Come as quickly as you can, I have alarmed Eduard too, but he hasn't answered yet. Please be safe Raivis. Please…_

_Toris. _

I suddenly felt like crying, and the gray spots blurring the ink on the paper showed that he had been crying to. But I dried my tears, and put both of the letters back on my pillow. I had to write back, and tell him that I was fine, tell him not to worry. I knew how he had to feel… I jumped on my good foot and looked around after pen and paper, but being Peter's room, it was too messy for me to find anything (even though it was more clean than usual, had he cleaned because of me?). I gave up and slumped back on the bed. I had to ask Peter about it when he got home in about, I glanced at the clock at the wall, six hours.

I stared up in the white ceiling, before closing my eyes and tried to rest. One moment later I opened them again, I didn't feel like sleeping anymore. The house was quiet, except from the occasionally sounds that Alfred made downstairs. Rolling over to my side, I tried not to think about how heavy my bandaged foot felt as I moved it. I didn't know what to do, since I wasn't sleepy anymore. I restlessly moved around before making my way over the covers to the end of the bed. A brown cardboard box, filled with some of my belongings, stood there on the floor and I scanned it slowly. There was a stack of books piled up at one side, and a sweet smile showed on my face. All of them were my favorites, and the only one here who knew what I liked was Peter. It seemed like he actually listened on me as I talked about my books… I picked one up at random before shuffling back on the bed, resting my back against the wall. I turned the pages until I got to a chapter that interested me. It has been a while since I read it, but slowly I started to understand and remember. Wasn't that the guy who---

A cold breeze at the base of my neck.

"_You really do like to read, don't you?" _

The book flew through the air and hit the floor with a subdued thud. I simply stared at the edge of the bed where it had fallen out of sight. It was not until I heard a huge crash followed by curses from downstairs. I quickly moved over to the edge and quickly reached down to pick up the book from the wooden floor, wanting making sure no pages was bent or something. But before I touched it, I hesitated. After fisting my hand once and then slowly releasing it I pulled the book up, almost expecting to hear his voice again. But the book met me with silence, which actually was a bit scarier after expecting the coldness always surrounding my memories of him. I let myself relax, also listening as another stream of curses coming for Alfred apparently trying to fix something he had destroyed in the kitchen. I curled up in the bedcover, looking around once, before I continued reading.

"What the bloody hell!"Hearing Arthur's voice snapped me awake from my current book (not the one I had started with) and I put it down next to me. It seemed like Arthur had returned, the clock ticked to about five over two and I looked at it surprised. Time passed quickly. And if Arthur was home... My guess was answered by steps in the stair, coming upwards in a quick speed.

"Raivis!" Peter beat the door open, grinning as if it had been a week and not a day since we last saw each other. I smiled back at him as he got into the room, dropping down next to me on the red covered bed with a heavy thump. The bed rocked for a moment and he moved closer, looking into the book. "What are you reading?" He looked mildly interested, and I was glad I knew him well enough to understand the real question.

"It's one of my favourites, thanks for picking it out for me."Obviously it was the correct answer and he scratched the back of his head.

"I... I just took some." He smiled and leaned on me, I let him stay on my shoulder. I continued reading the book, and Peter tried to catch up, meaning I got a lot of: "Who's he? Why did she do that? What does that mean anyway? Wait, did we just switch the places of the story?" I laughed and tried to answer all of the questions. After a while he god oddly still and quiet, did he fall asleep? I didn't try to move in fear of waking him up, and didn't want to either. I was being fine with just hearing him breathing. It made me calm, and made me feel safe, home. I quietly rested my head on top of his.

"I told you it wasn't my fault, man!" Alfred beat the door open, and Peter snapped his head back as both of his brothers invaded the room. Peter looked kind of sleepy, but after a second he was wide awake (had he even been asleep?).

"Then who was it, an UFO filled with aliens?" Arthur replied sarcastic, glaring at Alfred before turning to us, rolling his eyes. His voice changed, not much but noticeably to a bit softer. "Have you made yourself at home? I hope Alfred didn't bother you too much..." his eyes finding Alfred's for a moment.

I shook my head, "He hasn't been troublesome in the least." I assured and Alfred made thumbs up to me behind Arthur's back, which Arthur obviously noticed and turned around. But Alfred had put on his innocence-pout and his hands were behind his back. Peter shook from laughter, and I also had to fight back laughing when they started fighting again. Really, after you got used to it, it was pretty humorous.

"Well, Mr. Hero here seems to have forgotten the small detail of crashing _half of the plates_ in the kitchen." Arthur snapped and I looked at said Hero. So that's what had happened. "And also seemed to forget to buy food for tonight." Alfred laughed dorky and put up his hands as a shield from the attacking words. "Therefore it seems like I have to cook tonight." The rest of us made the same disgusted face before we quickly hid it. Arthur's cooking/murdering-skills were known worldwide. "And Peter, you have to go and buy the ingredients, since I won't trust out dear Hero to do it."

I expected that Peter would go against it, complaining. But to my (and probably Arthur's) surprise he slipped of the bed with a quick "ok" before taking the money his older brother held out and disappeared from the room. You could hear him run downstairs, and then opening the door. He was greeting someone.

"You can come up," Arthur called and footsteps filled the stairs. I couldn't make out how many, two or three maybe. Then Berwald looked into my room and greeted me with a nod which I returned quickly. Why were--- After Berwald came Tino, who was talking to someone in Finnish. I waited as Tino showed someone into the room. The person couched and then looked at me, concern filling those familiar blue eyes behind glasses. Eduard. Eduard!

I wanted to get up, just so that I could hug him. But he was faster. In a moment Eduard had gotten over the room and he hugged me. I grasped the cloth on his back as I returned it. Hiding my head in his shoulder, I pulled in a smell of comfort and home. It was then I noticed that he was shaking. His breath was trembling and it shot out over my hair, it being ruffled by his hand. "I'm sorry Raivis… I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you," He cried. Not the kind of bawling cry I usually did, but a few tears dripped down on me. I didn't say anything, just kept holding him as he continued mumbling. Finally I broke myself free from the embrace, and put an honest smile on my face.

"I'm alright, it's fine." I assured him, though he looked at me as if I was lying,

"How could it be fine? You were hurt and I couldn't… help you in the least." He pushed up the glasses in a way I knew he always did when he felt a bit unsecure, he never showed it otherwise. "You're my little brother; I should have been by your side… I just don't know…" He fumbled after words and muttered so low that I almost couldn't hear him. He was probably talking to himself anyway. "What would Toris say…?" he sighed and then looked straight at me. "I'm just glad you're alright."

"But how…?" I looked at him and then at Tino, who stood resting against the wall, with Berwald next to him.

"I was a bit surprised myself." Tino said and scratched the back of his head. "I, Berwald and Eduard," He made a nod towards my brother, "went to the same education after finishing school. So I was surprised when seeing him here. We picked him up on our way here." I looked up at my brother, who smiled and then continued on his own.

"Tino helped me find you, did you know how worried I became when your house was empty." Sadness in his voice again. "I though he…. had taken you away." He stopped, probably being unable to continue, and sent a glance towards my hurt foot. _But it's probably bad enough as it is._ I bet that's what he thought.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but I have a question to both of you two." Arthur coughed and gathered everyone's looks at him. "Why didn't you want to tell the cops of what's happened." He had that voice filled with concern, but I avoided his eyes and glanced at Eduard who wore a serious look on his face.

"It would just make things worse."

England raised an eyebrow and sat down on Peter's bed across us. The room had gotten quiet. I spoke. "You just can't get him that way, it's useless." I shook my head sadly remembering the times we had tried, but always failed. Glances were exchanged in the room, and Berwald closed the door around us. Tino was the one to finally ask.

"Who is he really?" now it was my and Eduard's turn to exchange looks and I leaned closer into him, as his grip hardened. I bit my lip, before inhaled loudly as I began to tell them.

_It was a rainy day. Just as in the movies the rain created a sad background music when it pitter-patted on all the black umbrellas protecting the black clothes people. It felt like everything was dark, and it was cold. The only warmth I got was from Eduard's hand and I squeezed it tightly, trying my best not to cry. The graveyard was filled with people, barely anyone we knew. There were friends that our father had met on his trips, some he had spoken of, but we had never seen them. Still we knew more about them than about our own relatives. We had never met anyone of them before. It was not as if it felt sad or something. We had been our own, small family. Now my brothers and I was the only ones left of it. Toris was in his last year of high-school, so he could not yet care for us, no matter how much he would have tried. We were all shaken up. I didn't know what we would do. I glanced around, eyeing those around. Who were all these people? Uncles? Aunts? Cousins? Then I noticed a sudden splash of __colour__. Far away through the black mass, a man stood. The beige scarf that had caught my attention lay heavily on his back, looking half soaked from the rain. Two girls were on either side of him. One of them was shaking and crying heavy, her sobs could almost be herd over to the side where we were standing. The other girl looked… well, plain. She looked like a living, silver statue. Her pose was straight and she looked concentrated on the coffin standing before us. I couldn't figure out if she was just showing respect, or was simply not caring about the ceremony. The man was taller than both of them. I couldn't quite see his expression; it was shielded by a black umbrella. But suddenly the umbrella lifted and he looked over all, finally stopping at us. I don't think he saw me staring at him, as I hid behind Eduard, but now I saw his expression. Through the sorrow, sadness and grief filling the air, he smiled. _

_As soon as the ceremony was over, he was gone. He and the two women who was with him had probably left directly after. The reason I knew that was because we greeted everyone who had come when they left. Thanking them for coming and so. Thinking back, I was kind of relieved that we didn't have to talk to him. I thought that I would never see him again; we would most likely not meet any of the ones at the funeral ever again. That was how it was, and a lifestyle we were used to. I wished that we could continue that fleeting life, I didn't know why you should bother settling down. _

_One month after I saw Ivan for the first time o that rainy day, we were placed in his care _

_

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_And the flashback is on!

....  
This is getting longer than I thought from the beginning... Hope you'll stay with it anyway^^


	4. Truth

_I didn't like it. I didn't like the place from the moment we came there. It was cold. With my father, I and my brothers had visited other cold places up north, but this was on a whole different level. It sneaked into the depth of your body, and took residence in your bones. It made your whole soul freeze, until warming oneself was impossible. It was a blizzard eating you away from the inside. _

_Ivan's smile was warm when he greeted us, but his eyes just as cold as the wind ripping in my clothes. I started shaking, even me believing that it was from the cold. When I tried to speak, I stuttered and couldn't help shrugging away from those wintry eyes. Eduard was better than me shielding his thoughts, not that he had been the talkative type before but now he fully closed himself. Hid himself behind his glasses. Toris was the one best with hiding his nervousness, and lied with a smiled just as easy. It was just that little crack in his voice that proved that he, just as me and Eduard had felt the sleeping blizzard. The house that we'd been taken to was big, it was like a mansion. I was clinging to Eduard's hand, not that different from the time at the funeral, as Ivan showed us into his and now our, home. Toris walked next to the Russian, talking casually. If I didn't know him I probably wouldn't have noticed the ways his hands rubbed against each other, unsecure. _

_Slowly but steadily the warmth returned when we came inside, and both my brothers visibly relaxed, forgetting the chill from outside. Ivan showed us all of the room and he had even gotten ours ready. Everything to make us "feel at home". I almost believed that soothing voice. Almost. Because of this, I don't quite know if I just didn't like the thought of being closed in a house like this, or if I sensed how Ivan could be. Therefore, I also don't know if I was the first, or the last one to notice his snow white darkness. _

_It didn't take long for the uncomfortable feeling to return. I noticed that my brothers kept something away from me, stopping talking just as I came back and fake smiles. But I didn't understand. Living in that house was nothing like I had experienced before. I was used to move around, always being on my way somewhere. That was normal to me, but even after being in the hou_se for thre_e months, I barely knew the outside. Mostly I would keep myself inside, or more exactly, being kept inside. Ivan would always find reasons for stopping me when I wanted to go out. ("It's too cold." "Weren't you a bit sick?" "I think Toris needs some help…"). All excuses that I willingly swallowed. In the end it made me feel isolated and I started to read more and more, fleeing with the books when I wasn't helping out in the house. After a while, Ivan started teaching me Russian and I started to read Russian books for small children. It was not as relieving as the books I usually read, but I didn't want to disappoint Ivan who always helped me when I had trouble. The first time I noticed how locked in I had become was at one of those time when I was reading. _

_The Cyrillic words were mostly clumsy on my tongue, but sometimes I managed to get them right. I didn't stutter as much either. Suddenly I felt a presence behind the sofa I was sitting in and tensed before looking up. Ivan leaned over me, smiling softly. _

"_You're getting better." He said and went around me, his shoes almost quiet against the carpet. It was weird that I even heard them as clearly as I could. Not before then I noticed that the house was unusual quiet, as if the snow outside also subdued the sounds inside the house. Thinking about how cold it was, even being inside that seemed somehow logical. But it was still too quiet._

"_Where are Toris and Eduard?" I wondered out loud, and Ivan looked at me with something that could only be described with fake surprise. _

"_You don't know? Both their terms started yesterday, so they are in their schools."_

_I put the book beside me and looked at him. They hadn't told me… and shouldn't I be going in school too then? Now when I thought about it, not once had we talked about school. But according to both of my brothers going meant that they had talked about it sometime when I wasn't present. Another thing they had kept from me. "Why…" Something in the back of my head wanted to stop the question. Knowing it would be crossing a line I didn't know existed. But I ignored it. "Why can't I be in school then?" Something flashed in Ivan's eyes, but I refused to back down. He continued to smile and spoke in that sugar sweet voice filled with gentleness. That was another thing I didn't like about Ivan, it just seemed… too kind. _

"_I think it's better for you to stay here, at home." He added the last part as if to emphasize and I shivered inwardly, I couldn't see this place as a home just yet. I continued to ignore the growing feeling in my mind. _

"_But…" I started, when he suddenly leaned in over me, I moved back as long as I could and could feel fear coming slowly. He was way to close. _

"_Trust me, Raivis." He smiled, but his eyes flashed again. This time I recognized the emotion behind those violet eyes. Annoyance. Anger. Then he went back, and put the book in my lap, he had taken it as he had leaned over me. The emotions that I had seen were already gone and I wondered if I had really seen them. He smiled at me with that caring smile again. "You'll have it better here. Now, read for me. I'll help you with the pronouncing."_

_After that time, it didn't take long for me to understand that Ivan didn't want me to go out. And that made me feel scared and lonely. _

_But I was never alone. My brothers were in their school most of the time, and when they were home they did their best keeping away from me. But it felt like Ivan was always watching me, waiting for me to do some kind of mistake. I didn't know, getting proof for a bad feeling is hard. I simply sensed it. And even when he wasn't home, when I was truly alone, it still felt like his eyes still followed me. I couldn't keep any secrets, he found out anything in the end, for example: If I had sneaked out to take a look at the town nearby or something. Even when I was careful not to be seen he would still bring it up later. After a while, I got to something that could be called paranoid. I didn't want to make any faults. _

_So it started slowly, but building up stronger and stronger. My fear for him that is. And still I didn't know everything. They made a good job of keeping it away from me. But in the end I found out. _

_I found out._

_It was night, and I couldn't sleep. Maybe it was the howling of the wind beating at my windows that kept me up, maybe it was something else. Going out of bed, I didn't want to stay in my room, I decided to find anyone of my brothers and ask for a bit of comfort. When we were small we used to sleep in the same bed, me being in the middle. I missed those times. The corridor was a bit warmer than my room, and my feet were glad about the soft mat beneath them. Both Toris's and Eduard's rooms were close, so I didn't have to go far. I opened a crack in the door to Toris's room, putting on my loneliest expression so that he wouldn't send me away. When I opened, only darkness greeted me and the room was empty. He wasn't there. I was just about to head for Eduard's room when sounds found my ear. I tried to listen, but couldn't fully make out what it was. The sounds came from somewhere in the house, that was the only thing I knew. Using my ears I started to follow the dull noise, making my way past Eduard's room, and down the corridor. The sounds slowly grew louder the closer I came to the source and after a while I knew what it was making me speed up. Someone was crying. I had practically been around the whole house, until I finally saw a streak of light at the end of a dark hallway. My heart was beating, and my hands followed the wall so that I wouldn't trip or fall. I had gotten clumsier lately. _

_A hard thud and muffled cries. _

_I stopped my breath from sounding and slowly moved myself so that I could glance through the crack in the doorway. If it had felt before like I was in a dream, the thing before me immediately woke me up. Toris leaned against the opposite side of the door I was at. He was breathing calmly, but that sort of calm you used to reduce pain. My eyes went down to the side of him, and I noticed that he clutched one of his arms, holding it tight against his body. There was a dark stain on the sleeve that looked awfully much like…blood…_

_I couldn't think about not making sounds when breathing, I had trouble just doing that. With one hand on the doorframe I supported myself as the other choked the occasionally gasps that got out. This couldn't be… Ivan's soft voice interrupted my thoughts and he stepped into my view. He smiled the exact same way he had been doing towards me as he sent me to bed. But something about it now sent shivers down my spine. He spoke in Russian, that much could I understand. But I didn't quite catch what he talked about. He said Toris name… and something about a game. Game? What sort of game? Toris looked at Ivan, and answered sometimes. Also in Russian. He was angry, but still in pain. And for a moment his eyes left Ivan, and locked with mine. _

_In a moment they were widened before looking away a little bit too quickly. Ivan had already noticed by then, and turned around. Looking straight at me. I backed away as far away as I could, until hitting the wall behind me, trying to avoid those piercing pieces of ice. He didn't look shocked, though the smile had left him. Ivan took some steps and he opened the door, the light almost blinding me. He smiled softly at me. _

"_Raivis… what are you doing up this late?"_

_Cold air brushed against my skin as the temperature seemed to drop incredible fast. He went out from the room but stopped so that he was about two meters away from me, looking down with a sincere expression. He extended his hand towards me, and my reaction was to press myself against the wall. The expression dropped to something disappointed before he sighted and put that gentle smile up again. You could almost mistake it for warming. "Come here," he purred and I shivered, "and I won't hurt you." The way he put it was anything but reassuring. He had just told me, in other words of course, that if I didn't obey he would hurt me. I took a step to the side, anything to get a bit more away from him. He took a few steps closer and I mirrored by stepping even further away. "Don't make me come and get you, little Rai~" his voice had gotten awfully cold and harsh, but I still didn't take one step closer. He was getting angry. "Come, now." There was no longer a single track of kindness in his voice; it was only demanding and possessive. Scary. _

_Ivan suddenly took a long step towards me and I yelped, turning around to run. But I didn't get far, and the next moment I was lying down, face pressed down into the mat I had walked over before. He got down next to me and grabbed one of my arms, bending it painfully high up on my back. I squirmed, trying to find somewhere when it didn't hurt as much. He stopped me by simply putting his knee on my back so that I wouldn't move. It hurt and I started to sob into the mat, one of his hands still keeping my head pressed down. _

"_Ivan, please…" I could catch Toris voice, but I couldn't turn my head to look at him. Did I even want him to see my tears? I screamed out as Ivan pulled my arm even further up until it felt as if something would crack inside. I immediately regretted when Toris voice was heard again. "Ivan! Let him go." Then Ivan did something that made me stop dead with fear. _

_He chuckled, leaning down so that I could feel his breath on my neck. "But Toris, he broke one of the rules. The game is over." He said it more to me than to Toris, pressing down his knee to make me squirm even more. My breath hitched and I knew I would scream again when the hand holding my arm let go. I pulled it down by my side as quickly as I could the relief filling me only being momentarily. The other hand grabbed my hair and pulled up my head from the floor. I was just about to scream again when something sharp and cold pressed to my throat. A knife. Immediately I tried to shrug away but the hand in my hair tightened making me unable to move anywhere. "There there… hush now." Ivan whispered, somehow managing to sound comforting. "We don't want to wake Eduard up to, da?" I managed to shake my head, and the knife slipped away from my neck. It had bloodstains on it, and I remembered Toris red colored arm. The pressure on my back was lifted as he _stood up, and he _let go of my hair, making my head fall down _into the mat_ again. _I glanced up, feeling _tears fill my eyes as he smiled at me, that ho_rrible fr_ightening grin. "We'll talk more about this tomorrow." He said cheerily, before taking off, leaving me and Toris alone. Tears were already making their way down my cheeks. And just as slowly as they had begun, I started trembling. _

* * *

*sob* I'm sorry for the short chapter, but i wanted it to end there... I'll try to update faster instead ;w;

Anyway^^  
These are the parts I like to write the most... The flashback is _probably_ gonna end in the next chapter (but thinking back I thought this story would only have around three chapters... hell, I even thought I wouldn't continue from the first, it's not so sure.)


	5. Game

_Ivan talked to me after that night, me waking up with him sitting on the side of my bed, smiling just as gently as a parent. He patted my hair but as I tried to shrug away, the memories still burning my eyes, his hand gripped my hair and held me still. Still the calm around the rest of him was soothing and terrifying. He noticed my fear, and tried to calm me down by stroking the side of my arm. The same arm he had bent up on my back last night. And he still held a tight grip of my hair. He hushed me, even as I hadn't said a word and his hand went up to nudge gently at my cheek. The trembling got back, even as I tried to still myself, self instinct kicking in. _

"_You must know… I don't like doing those things. But it's necessary." Ivan said, but the sadness in his voice made it all tu__rn to a lie, somehow. How could it be necessary to hurt someone? Toris pained face appeared in my mind for a fleeting moment. I wanted nothing more than to bury my head into my pillow and try to forget everything. But his hand even took that chance away from me. Ivan's hand started to pull at my hair, barely noticeable at first, then so that it almost hurt. "Sit up Raivis," he said, the sadness from before completely gone. But I didn't move making the pain in my scalp grow as he pulled harder. "Listen to me, dear one. You have to get up, just as any other day." The pulling died of, but the grip was just as bad. He leaned down and tilted his head so that I was staring straight into his eyes. "I don't want to be forced to discipline you on your first day."__He was serious, and the next time he pulled at my hair I followed until I sat up on my bed, the cover that had been around me falling off. It got cold, as I felt the blizzard move inside me. He let go of my hair and smiled proudly at me, stroking my head once before standing up. I realized what he meant about this being my first day. It was my first day as a piece of the game, the game he was controlling. "I think I gave Eduard a bit too much work, so you can help him after you've eaten breakfast, right?" He said, standing in the doorway now. This was the first test, to see if I had gotten the rules. I looked down on my fidgeting hands. _

"_Yes… sir." I tried and earned an approving glance before he went out from the door pulling it closed behind him. The room __suddenly felt a lot more closed in than usual. _

_It was hard at first. Even if I __tried to forget what we had become involved in, it always came up in some way. When I came down the stairs, trying to be as normal as I could Toris was greeting me in the kitchen. He was smiling, just as usual, asking if I had slept well. But I didn't quite hear him, since I didn't listen. All I could see was his wrapped up arm, with some blood soaking through the band aid. He saw where I was looking and the smile faltered. As he hugged me gently with his good arm, I nuzzled into his clothes, breathing in the fading feeling of home. He let go a little bit quicker than usual, but I think he didn't notice. The small warmth I used to feel when I was with either of my brothers wasn't there anymore. They had already gotten frozen. I felt like I would start crying again, but no tears came as if they too had been frozen. The day went on after that, without any more realizations. _

_Well, except the feeling of warmt__h soaking out from my body, disappearing. That could be one of the reasons my trembling just wouldn't stop. No matter how hard I tried or how calm I forced myself to be to stop the shaking it was impossible. It became a vicious circle__**. **__The more I shook, I became clumsy and airy, couldn't do anything right. It didn't take long for me to get my first wounds, first bruises. And every time I could feel my soul getting colder._

_OxOxOxO_

_He shoved my into the wall, and I could feel a wound just healing split open from the impact. I could barely stand, my trembling being so bad that it was fully noticeable over my whole body. There was nothing I could grasp to keep me up, but neither did I let myself fall down on the floor. That would just show weakness and make things worse. What had I done this time? Or was this barley by chance? He didn't move at first, and there was a moment of silence. Then he heightened his hand and I clasped my head, waiting for the blow to come. _

"_Please don't' hurt me!" I screamed without thinking, then realizing my mistake. Telling back at him, when__ he was already at this stage… Ivan's eyes glinted, and I shook my head. "Please… I'm sorry…" Tears were running down my face in a tight stream. His hand touched them and followed the tracks down my cheek. I couldn't avoid flinching. _

_He seemed somewhat hurt from my reaction. "Do you… hate me, Raivis?" For a moment it was there again, the sadness filled with concern. I would never dare to trust it though, but I looked up at him. He was smiling that same smile he always wore, but I couldn't see past it. I could never see past the mask he had. His hand stroke the side of my face gently, I still didn't dare to move as it passed just by the side of my eye and stroke away some of my longest locks. Sometimes before, I would be stupid enough to have some hope that he would leave me alone, letting me go. It was not hard trying to do that when he became gently like this. But in the end his constant mood swings would crush that faith. I didn't have enough trust left. Surely, very soon, the brushing would become pulling and the punishment would continue just as before. Sometimes it even became worse. _

_Still, something was different from other times. There was something in his eyes that I could actually hint behind the lilac orbs. It made me feel uncomfortable and scared the way he seemed to see my inside. "Tell me, Raivis. Do you hate me?" He repeated the question, letting his hand loose grip and fall down. There was no way I could answer. He knew it anyway, even if I lied or told the truth he should know it anyway after everything he did. He knew I hated him. So why would he ask such a question. Something really felt wrong, and I did the probably worst thing I could do._

_I ran. _

_Surprisingly he didn't go after me that time, like he often would. And the next time I saw him, just a few hours after. He was back to normal. After just a few weeks I didn't come to think of it anymore. The pace of my days was back, and I thought they would go on like that. But in a game, you can't let down your guard. _

_OxOxOxO_

"_Raivis, let's play a game." He had that childi__sh voice that I during the latest weeks had learned to fear. Wanting no more than back away, I couldn't move as his eyes holding me nailed to the floor. I looked straight into them, and felt my inside freeze. This was not good. He was angry about something. And while I didn't know what, that was worse. I tried to find some kind of clue in his posture, how bad it was and what it could be. But his expression was unchanging, not unemotionally since he smiled, but cold and empty. This was bad. He suddenly tilted his head to the side, and I realized I hadn't answered yet. _

"_W-what are we going to play, s-sir?" I asked, not wanting to know. Whatever it was, it would be something either scary, or something that hurt. Most of the time those things melded together though. He looked thoughtful for a moment, pondering my question. As if he hadn't planned this already, there would be no reason to seek me up personally otherwise. _

"_Let's play…" His voice trailed a little, drawing out the last word. "Hide and seek." He grinned and I bit down a wince. I hated that game, especially against Ivan. There was no way that I could win, no matter where I hid, no matter how much I ran. He always found me in the end and after that it fully depended on his mood on what would happen__. According to his temper at this moment, it would be bad. But… it was not as if I could object and pull myself out from it. _

"_O-okay…." I agreed, clenching my fists as I tried to make my hands stop trembling. Ivan put a finger in front of me, motioning that he wasn't done yet. _

"_Let's make it a little bit more… fun." He chose his words carefully, and I really started considering running away. That would not be happening. "If I find you, before twelve o' clock, I have a question you have to answer. But if you manage to keep away longer than that, from the person who's hunting…" He actually said hunting, and terror rose in my body. Hopefully it wouldn't be seen from the outside, how hard my heart beat. "…you get to wish anything for today." He beat up with his arms, before putting them back together in a clap. "That way it'll be more fun for both of us." I immediately got nervous from his statement of rules. That meant I would have to hide in one and a half hour, if I would have a chance of winning. That was impossible even in such a big house as this. Ivan knew that, of course, which meant that he had been planning on giving me a question. He had just made a setting up so that I couldn't avoid it at any cost. My thoughts found the memory of the time he had asked me if I hated him. Was it something like that again?_

_I didn't like this at all. _

"_How long are you going to stay there?" __My face snapped up and I looked at him dumbfounded, as he smiled coldly down at me. He knew I had figured out, and he knew I was scared. Ivan slowly closed his eyes, and put his hands up as an extra blinding. "100… 99… 98…" He started counting down with a high voice and I turned my heels, wanting to get away as fast as possible. Just before I left the room, I couldn't stop myself from glancing back. I met his eyes. He had spread his fingers, and the glance was predator-like. Just like his smile. I quickly turned around again, trying not to feel his look on my back and ran down the corridor. His voice followed me ghostly. _

_Need a place to hide; I need a place to hide. My mind raced after places that would be good and __**safe**__ more importunately. I would probably have to move, so it couldn't be in a place with just one way out. I ran around, hearing that Ivan was already down to 20. I didn't have much time left. I ran out into a small living room, it had three doors leading into the room and furniture stood in the middle. A typical room from private meetings. Could I hide in here? _

"_Time's up!" Ivan's voice caught me off guard and I jumped from the surprise. He would start looking now, and if I would move around too much he would hear me. It had to be this room. I went to one side of the wall, were an old closet stood. Fortunately it seemed to have been dusted of recently, so there wouldn't be any clues from that. The doors squeaked as I opened__ them slightly, not loud, but in my ears it was almost too much. I would be able to hide in there but… if he opened that would be game over. There was a special rule that Ivan had made for our small games. Even if he saw us while playing, he had to catch us before the game was truly over. If you were fast enough to run, you could hide again. Not that I'd managed that kind of stunt so many times, but you had to take any chance you could get. _

_There was a sofa amongst the furniture, that kind with cloth falling down all the way to the floor. Sometimes they would have a hollow that the cloth covered. I lay down on the ground looking underneath. I had been right. But the empty space was not big; would I be able to fit there? It's not like I had a choice anyway. Slipping under, I was glad that puberty hadn't hit yet, since I was small enough and it was not even pressing. I couldn't quite hear Ivan's boots, though I know they could come closer at any moment, which still meant he was far away. Now came the worst part of the game. I silenced my breath, and stilled my body even closing my eyes. I could only rely on my ears now. Now there was nothing else to do other than wait and prepare for anything that could happen. _

_Half an hour went without me moving or hearing any sounds. Or, I didn't quite know how much time it was since I didn't dare to look out from my hideout to look at the clock. But it was somewhere around that… or even more, maybe even an hour? Steps. Since a while back he had been wandering around near the room I was in. Occasionally he would call out, and the words got clearer as he came closer. "Come out come out, wherever you are…" He said in that particular singing voice he mostly used while being in play mode. It was somewhat strained, which made me want to curl up and hope that he would never discover me. But now I couldn't move since he was right next to the room I was in. Please go past this room. Please go past…_

_One of the doors opened to my left and I could hear him wander around, pace a little bit slower than before. He was careful while seeking and I kept my breath knowing a single breathe of air could reveal me. He opened the closet's doors wide, __if you judged from the sound, before he started to walk around in the room again. Couldn't he just leave? Through a small crack between the cloth and the floor I could see his boots. They had stopped for a moment. When he started walking once again it was against the sofa. I closed my eyes, as if it would help me not being discovered. No more steps. He had stopped again and I held my breath. He didn't seem to get down at leas, to check if I was underneath. I heard his clothes ruffle, and the next moment I didn't have anything to cover underneath. _

_He had kicked the sofa, making it fall over with a loud bang against the floor. My eyes snapped wide open, terrified, as he smiled down at me. "There you are." He proclaimed and bent down gripping my wrist so hard it made me whimper. "Shh…." He whispered and put his finger in front of his mouth, motioning for me to be quiet. "The rules have change a bit." He pulled me up, and dragged me after him through one of the doors on the right side. "We switched seeker," I looked at him, and tried to keep up with him. I didn't know these parts of the house. If he would let me go and I'd lose him, I'd probably be lost. "Toris is "it" now. I gave him the same deadline as you got, but I told him to wait until he knew I found you." He chuckled and I remembered the loud bang as the sofa had fallen. "I think that counts, don't you think so too?"_

"_Y-yes." I managed to stutter, turning my head back over and over again as I was hoping see Toris. Ivan had never done something like this before. He did sometimes involve all of us, but never like this. And what did he mean with the deadline? Toris had until twelve then… if he meant it that way, and after that what was supposed to happen? I gave the hand he was holding in a trial pull. It was starting to hurt. But predictably the grip only tightened as he led me down the hallway. We had to be at the end of the house, and he suddenly stopped next to a door. Fishing up a key from his pocket, he locked it up and pushed it open. It was a staircase going deep down to another door. I could barley see that one though, there was no lamps placed out on the way down and the darkness almost took over in the end. The only light came from behind us in the corridor. I didn't want to go down. I started to struggle as Ivan took a step down in the stair. "I-I don't want to go there…" I admitted to him, when the hand holding me made a sudden pull making me fall down in the stair. "Please, d-don't make me…" I had no chance of keeping still as he dragged me down, almost making me trip over the steps. _

"_Don't worry," Ivan smiled at me, his features being slightly darker as we came further away from the light. "Toris won't find us here, even if he's got a half hour by now." That was exactly why I didn't want to go down. I tried to get his hand to lose grip, but he answered with a harsh pull, making me stumble and trip. He caught me just as I was to hit the door. We had gotten all the way down. I gulped, now being close enough I could see that the door was in metal. Ivan pulled it up and revealed complete darkness inside. I made one last try of getting away, before he closed the door around us and made everything black. Not until both of us were in, he let go of my wrist, and turned a lamp on. _

_The room would make anyone claustrophobic. It was small, and resembled more a prison-cell than a room. Still it had nothing in it other than the lamp, no bed as you could find in prisons, no windows either of course. And it was colder than anywhere I had felt in the house, like the walls was made out of ice and not metal. Ivan sat down on the left side from the door counting, his back against the wall. I walked over to the right wall, actually wanting to just open the door and run, but that was not an option. The wall was just as cold as I had expected, and when I sat down I tried not to lean back on it as my clothes didn't do much protection. Ivan had taken up a clock, and looked at it smiling. "Twenty minutes left," He said before putting it back into one of his pockets, looking over at me. _

_I pulled my knees up to my chest as I tried to protect me from his eyes, and looked to the gray door. I was shaking harder than usual and tears threatened to fill my eyes as they started to sting. "Please hurry…" I whispered to myself, not loud enough for Ivan to hear me and wished for my brothers to come._

_Ivan took up the clock again, for the fifth time checking how long before Toris got the game over. At all the others times he had announced just how much there was left, but now he only smiled and a shiver came down my back. "Seems he lost." Ivan said happily and rose up, making his way over to me. I pressed myself backwards, earning another shill as I'd forgotten the cold wall. Ivan kneeled in front of me, tilting his head. His eyes were ones of a predator, if I tried to move, it felt as if he would attack. "Now… Even if we switched seekers, I still found you." I nodded, he was right, and I knew what that meant. "So you still have to answer my question." I bit my lower lip, averting his eyes. Not now… please Toris… come… My wish went like a mantra in my head, but no other sounds than our breathing was heard. Nothing. _

"_Are you planning on leaving me?" The question was dead on, and I snapped my head up towards him. He wasn't smiling anymore. How could he know? The truth was that we had been wanting to leave, and was preparing to do it. Toris had already gotten out of school, and Eduard was sure to get in anywhere with just his grades. I didn't have anything, so that was already solved. But we had been careful, and there wasn't much to pack either. How did he figure it out, when? "Answer me." Ivan rose up, looming over me. I was scared he might kick me, and I rose up after him, my legs threatening to give up under me. Now I knew why he chose me, he knew how bad I was at lying. Toris would already have laughed at this time, telling him a straight no, and Eduard would just look at him as if he was stupid and wonder how he got that idea. They had both become great liars. I hadn't. "I knew it…" he had taken my silence as an answer and shook his head before looking down at me again. The simple aura around him made my legs want to give in, but it still held me frozen still. The blizzard had fully awakened. _

"_Why!" He lashed out, and I flinched as his hand hit the wall just a few centimeters from my head. I closed my eyes, not managing to look anymore, and tears born from pure fear burned my eyelids. "Why do you want to leave!" He screamed again and my legs were just about to give in as his other hand grabbed my collar, holding me up. His hands were shaking from rage, and they were as cold as the wall he pressed me against. I couldn't speak. It felt like my tongue was made out of stone inside my mouth. That was probably for the best though, any excuse I would make would make him even madder, and that would never end well. It seemed like he tried to calm himself down, but his hand pressed against the base of my neck slightly choking and bruising me. "I don't want you to leave." His voice was under strained control, and dark. "I won't let you." He suddenly pulled at my collar with the hand holding me towards him. _

_He kissed me.

* * *

_

A little longer chapter than usual... and the flashback is still going OTL And here starts some Onesided IvanXRaivis too...  
Really tired right now, so there might be some faults. If you find any, help me correct them^^

Thank you, those who still reads this^^"

... The flahback will be over next chap, It's true this time!TwT


	6. Feelings

Smut in this chapter... or somethingxD  
The flashback finally ends too! I'll try to put more emphasis on pairings from now on...

_

* * *

He kissed me._

_At first shock held me still and he took my surprise as a chance. His tongue made its way into my mouth as I almost choked on the feeling. There was no way I could get away since I only had the cold wall behind my back. My air started to run out, and I started to struggle to break away. When I tried to turn my head, the hand that had been against the wall gripped my hair hard, keeping me in place. I didn't know what to do as I panicked. For a second he broke away and let me catch my breath. But just after one breath he caught my lips again. I tried to push him away from me, but he only pressed me further into the wall. I was trapped. My hands were too weak against him, and I had nowhere to run, escape to. He yanked my hair abruptly to be deepening the kiss and I let out a muffled cry. _

_He broke away again and I took a quick breath, but his mouth went over to the side of my face and kissed away some tears that had fallen. I squirmed and tried once again to push him. He grabbed one of my hands that had been pressed against his chest and linked our fingers together, almost lovingly. He made my other hand unmovable by pressing up against me harder and locked it between us. I was scared. Any attempt I tried was futile, and I couldn't do anything as he kissed my face, my neck. The hand that had been holding mine let go and started to follow my arm up. Also the grip in my hair disappeared and joined the other with travelling over my body. I suppressed a shudder as they got down to my hips, and then went up to the side of my chest again. The touches were rough and demanding. It felt as if he tried to take in every atom of my clothes and body. For a moment his mouth left the contact with my skin, though I could still feel his breath on the side of my neck. _

"_I love you…" He whispered, and the words made terror rise in my body. The hand roaming my body went faster, and my struggles got harder and harder. I was desperate of getting away. Both of his hands were mirroring each other's pattern, and currently reached up against my face, cupping it harshly at both sides. He kissed me again, and the back of my head was slammed in to the wall by the mere force. I was starting to lose grip of reality, my body slowly giving up the fight and surrender. Surrender to him. I immediately regretted that I had even thought that. If I were to surrender, I would lose and would be his. That couldn't be turned to reality. His hands had started to explore my body again, going lower down. He was going slower, as if he had felt me stop fighting. His mouth let mine go, and he leaned against me. Through the corner of my eye, I could see him smiling. No… my mind started to whisper, his hands taking possession over my body. No… I don't. I clenched my fists and screwed my eyes shut. _

"_NO!" I screamed pushing against him with all my might. It took him by surprise and was enough to get his hands of me. I ducked and ran to my right, getting out of his range. For a moment I just stood still staring at him, catching my breath. He looked back at me, with blank, indifferent eyes. It was as if he couldn't understand. Then it was over. I felt my body tense and I backed slowly, as anger returning to him. My back hit the door, and I turned around trying to pry it open. Panic was in once again settling itself in my body. Thank god the door wasn't locked, but it was heavy. Ivan started walking towards me, his steps echoing in the empty room, a smile was forming on his lips. It was scarier than anything he had threatened me with. I had to get out! I managed to pull the door up a few centimeters; it was way heavier than it had looked like when Ivan got it open. I finally got it up enough for me to get out. But instead of slipping out, I jumped back just saving my hand from getting crushed. Ivan was right behind me, and had slammed the door shut again. If I hadn't moved, I would have been crushed by now! But when I pressed myself against a corner, with Ivan looking down at me, it didn't seem so bad anymore._

"_No?" He repeated, his voice being just as cold as moonlight compared to the sun. He got a bit closer. "Do you refuse me, my little one?" He put emphasis on the "my", making it feel like those strings from the moon was binding me. I tried to run towards the door again, but he simply grabbed my arm and then tossed towards the floor in the middle of the room. Before I could shrug away, he was already by my side. He grabbed my arm again, and used it to keep me pressed down. "Are you scared?" A tiny spark of amusement, and his smile grew wider as I tried to break my arm away from his grip. He moved, and put one knee on either side of my torso. Then he let go of my arm and used that hand to caress my chin lovingly. "Don't worry, it'll be over soon." Madness. That was the only emotion left in his eyes as he leaned down and kissed my forehead. I shuddered from the contact even as I tried to stop myself. His hand went down, and the other joined it around my neck. My breath hitched and I stared up at him in denial. "I'll make sure you won't run again." The hands closed around my neck, and suddenly I couldn't breathe. _

_No… no… no… I tried to scream and to pull air into my lungs. I couldn't. Nothing passed by his hands. He was going to kill me. The realization struck me and I started to wriggle, fighting to get free. I used my hands trying to get his fingers of my aching neck. It was no use, but I still had to try. Still had to fight! My mouth was filled with saliva as I couldn't swallow it and I could feel some of it dripping down my face at the floor. Tears joining the wet mass. I- I couldn't breathe!_

_He continued to hold me down as my struggles got more and more panicked. My strength was quickly disappearing, and a cold winds swooned inside my head. I was going to die! I tried to claw at everything I could reach, but he made no other move than increasing the pressure on my neck. My feet scraped against the floor, trying to get some kind of grip. But it was impossible. He was just too strong. The insight made strength drain from my body. I was going to die. There was no way… My eyes rolled to the back of my head; I just wanted to close them. But the moment I fell unconscious I knew I would never wake up again. My left hand reached up against his face, trying to scratch it while my other hand was still fighting to get his hands of my throat. I didn't manage to even come close and my vision blurred. All I could hear was him laughing from the back of his throat. I was going to die… I was going to…_

"_Raivis!" a sudden flash of light as the door broke open, and a scream. The pressure disappeared and I pulled air into my lungs. The movement almost made me black out. Arms lifted me up, and through a blurry image I could see Eduard. He was saying something, but I couldn't concentrate at anything at all. I just wanted to surrender to the darkness still lurking in the corners of my eyes. But the logical part of my mind kept me awake and I did my best to continue follow it. A sudden swirl of movement alarmed me of that Eduard had stood up, bringing me with him. "Raivis, can you hear me?" I managed a nod after hearing Eduard's worried voice, and I tried to stabilize myself. Toris was standing between us and Ivan, hands out as if to protect us. "Can you walk?" He had already started to pull me backwards, but I still nodded again, trying to get the room to stop spinning. _

_It felt like even time had frozen, but then Toris turned around and motioned to us. Eduard dragged me along after him, holding me steady as I tried to get control over myself again. Slowly but carefully, I begun to pick up the pace and Eduard didn't have to make use of his grip on my arm anymore. We had to run, had to get away. It was lucky that that our rooms was on the way out, and I ran in fetching my already packed bag. It had been hidden. Ivan didn't seem to be behind us, since I did neither see nor hear him. But that was not a clear sign that he wasn't chasing us. Toris ran first, and when we ran past a table at the doorway he snatched something from it. A key. It was to Ivan's car. _

"_Do you know how to drive?" Eduard called, as he opened the door and we got out of the house. Toris nodded quickly. _

"_Pretty much." That did not feel comfortable, but it had to go for now. I heard the door slam closed behind us just as we reached the car. Ivan. He walked quickly towards us. _

"_Come now," Ivan ordered as he stopped a meter from us, and I hid behind Eduard. The feeling of his hands on my body was still there. Toris was fingering with the keys to the car, probably wondering if we should go for it, and run. But what consequences would it be from that, if he caught us? I never wanted to return into that house again. Just thinking what could happen made me tighten the grip on Eduard's jacket. He gave me an awkward pat to comfort me, not that it helped that much, but it was soothing. "I won't let this off, if you don't stop this now." Ivan threatened, and took another step towards Toris, who stood firm. Ivan eyes looked into mine and I felt like stepping backwards. "The game is over for you." He referred to the game again, and I started to feel hopeless. We would never get away from the unfair rules he had made up. I jolted at a thought. _

_Wait… Game? Rules? I suddenly remembered something, and stepped out from Eduard's protection, walking past Toris too. Ivan looked somewhat amused and surprised and I took a deep breath, preparing. I hoped this would work. "T-Toris found me after twelve, didn't he?" My voice was still shaky, but firmer than I had hoped. I could probably do this. "You said, that if I could stay away from the p-person h-hunting…" My stuttering got harder at the last word, it was still creeping me out. "… I would get a wish." I stopped there, seeing how he reacted. His expression wandered from slightly shocked, to thoughtful before returning once again to amuse. _

"_I guess," He said it slowly, laughter in his voice. "So?" Ivan asked, and I could feel my brothers looking at me like I was crazy. Maybe I didn't quite realize what I was doing myself. _

"_I want you to leave us alone." The words came quicker than expected since I blurted them out. Though looking at Ivan he had heard and understood them all. There was anger again and I flinched back, waiting to get hit. I could hear Toris take a step forward. But there was no slap, or anything. Ivan just… started laughing. I looked up to him again, wondering without curiosity what it meant. Toris seemed like he was about to say something, but Ivan stopped him before he could begin. _

"_You're right with that." He smiled mockingly at me. "I can't break the rules, can I?" Actually, he could and would do it if necessary and that's what made me scared at the moment. This was not like him, not something he would do. I wonder what he really planned. He noticed me being suspicions and stepped towards me, reaching a hand out to touch my cheek. But right before Toris dragged me away and he let the hand fall. "Let's play again Raivis. This day is my countdown. After that, I will start looking for all of you again, and bring you back." He had accepted it. To say that I was shocked would be an understatement. Suddenly he reached out again, and this time he touched my skin on the side of my face. "But, when I find you I won't be as kind." Ivan then pulled his hand away, turning around and walked back to the house he left us all stunned. _

OxOxOxO

I stopped talking and looked at the ones standing around in the room, all wide eyed and staring. I had never told anyone about this before, not the full story. Even Eduard hadn't been in on the whole thing, as he joined the others looking horrified. It had been hard getting everything out, but they all had the right to know. I was shaking, and hadn't noticed until now I had curled together, hugging myself. All of that were not things I liked to remember, especially not in the basement. It made me terrified just thinking what could have happened if my brother hadn't come.

The looks on the others faces changed, slowly turning to anger. Even Alfred, whose smile always was present on his face, had disappeared, being turned to a frown. It was only Eduard who stayed with a concerned look as he wrapped his arms around me. I simply stayed quiet like that, calming myself down slowly. A sound reached my ear as if something rustled from beneath the window. But no one other seemed to notice, so I avoided thinking of the sound making myself believe it was just the wind. When I was ready I pushed Eduard away gently trying to force a smile on my lips. I just wanted to tell them that I was alright, but my lips started to tremble and I couldn't speak. I could do no more than stop myself from crying. That would make everything much worse.

Tino was once again the first one to speak. "I should have shot him…" He whispered, voice shaking with anger. Berwald rubbed his partners arm trying to calm the smaller one down. Not that he looked so composed himself, his normal look actually getting even scarier. Arthur stood unmoving looking on the scene, obviously being the best at controlling his feelings.

"He's powerful, if you could say that, isn't he?" He finally said, looking more at Eduard than me, but the question was asked to both of us. I tried to answer, but realized that I would still start to cry if I tried something. I stayed quiet and Eduard answered instead.

"Yeah… he's got… contacts if you say it like that." Eduard nodded and looked straight at Arthur.

"So there is nothing we can do." Arthur said it like a statement, apparently getting the situation. I knew it too. In reality we weren't allowed help from the "outside". Pieces that not belonged to the board couldn't be there after all. I remembered the look at Ivan's face as he crashed the picture of my friends. I had broken one of the unspoken rules with that, and it probably made him pissed. In some part of my mind that weren't blacking out from the feeling of the memory, the fear that came with it, it made me happy. With the simple thing of getting friends to be happy with I had broken away from the game for a moment. And when I looked up, Eduard talking to Arthur and Alfred, Berwald whispering to Tino, a smile appeared on my face. I had actually been able to break away.

They left one by one, Berwald and Tino first. Eduard left with them, saying he would stay at their house. Honestly I would want to have him near me, but it was enough that I was allowed to stay with the chaotic family. He promised to visit me everyday though, and that made me feel better. Alfred gave me a bone-crushing hug before Arthur dragged him away using some excuse. And so I was left alone in the room. But being alone didn't fill me with anguish like it used to; it simply helped me calm down. Somewhere in the house I could suddenly hear Arthur scold Peter as he finally returned. I smile again as I heard Peter escape from his older brother by running up the stairs and burst into our room. I looked up, expecting an idiot grin and him telling me random things he did on the way. My smile fell, and I looked shocked at him as Peter pouted and tears fell down his face.

The next moment I was engulfed in a hug that sent both of us down on the bed. I winced as my hurt foot hit the bead side but it wasn't so bad, just surprising. "P-Peter?" I asked hesitantly as I could feel my best friend shook in my arms. Then I remembered the sound outside the window and my eyes widened. "Y-you heard all t-that?" I stuttered and groaned as I felt him nod in the crook of my neck. He wasn't supposed… he wasn't supposed to know something like that. He raised his head and looked at me, not crying anymore at least.

"Are you angry?" He asked with a slight hint of guilt in his voice that immediately passed on to me. I pushed him of me, but so that we both lay still on the bed facing each other.

"O-of course not!" How could I be angry at him? "I-it's just that…" I couldn't quite get the right words and he continued for me.

"You didn't want me to know?" He asked and I could just answer with a nod.

"I didn't want to burden you like that." I knew better than anyone that knowing that someone got hurt, but being unable to help, was one of the worst feelings one could have. He didn't answer on that, but moved closer in.

"C-could I sleep in your bed tonight? I don't want you to be lonely." I let out a slight laugh and nodded as he avoided eye contact and a blush spread.

Why did it always feel like Ivan was so far away, enough so that he wouldn't reach me, when I was with Peter?


	7. Hope

**A/N: **So, I'll be going away in a few days, and won't be able to write as much.  
But still, I've written a lot more lately, explaining why this came so fast... Next chap. will probably take longer since I have to figuresome things out ...

When I first began this, it was an oneshot, but then I continued it even more. From then, I had practically the whole story figured out and thought it would be around three chapters... I think you can see it didn't go as I planned. So the more correct way is to say there was three parts of this story, and now we're actually starting that last part. There will at least be two more chapters, (probably more seeing how bad I am at calculating) and a short epilogue.

Once again, those who reads this: Thank you for staying with me and this story!

* * *

Eduard did as he had told, and came to see me every day. And after the weekend that had been, I started going to school again. First it was uncomfortable since everyone looked at my foot, and there was the question over what had happened hanging in the air. Luckily Peter was there all day, making up excuses before I could even start to lie. We told Sey and Lilly that I fallen down the stairs, that was the lie we had used even before they visited me at the hospital. It seemed like they believed it, since I was pretty clumsy usually, even if they wondered how you could get that hurt from falling down. They all helped me out, going up stairs and such, making jokes about how they would continue doing that even as my foot had gotten better. Just to prevent this happening again. I smiled and laughed with them, even if it felt kind of distant. Just as with Peter, I didn't want them to know. There was no way that they could know about it, I had dragged enough "outsiders" into this as it was.

Arthur started driving us from and to school every day, dropping off Peter at the café for work. Sometimes I joined him, but I didn't work. Both Tino and Berwald had forbidden me to work with the state I was in at the moment. They said I could go back to work after I took of the bandage. But still I sat in the counter and took orders sometimes. The only bad thing was that everyone that came asked what had happened. Over and over I pulled the "falling-down-the-stairs-lie" until I could it all over. It even seemed true to me after a while; I just wished that was the case.

Two weeks past, and finally I could take of the bandage of my foot. It was one of the things that constantly reminded me of Ivan, and I was glad to take it away. But there was still the fact of me not being able to use it completely, especially not directly in the days after. Since I hadn't used my foot in about three weeks, my muscles weren't as they had been. Not that I'd ever been a good athlete or something, but I felt the difference the moment I sat my foot down. It hurt, and felt weird, and everything but stable. The doctor said that even though I shouldn't put that much pressure on it, I should train it to get as strong as my other leg again. I had to take it slowly. The bruise on my back actually took longer time to heal, it seemed like it would be one of those that never fully disappeared. But it was still noticeably smaller than when I first saw it.

Eduard also held another promise, (or, I don't know if I should call it that) that he said to me. He would stay in the village until I could walk again, then he would go and check on Toris. He and Feliks lived together in Poland at the moment, if I got that right. That made me somewhat relived, since he had someone with him, and that was probably the reason Eduard managed to stay so long here. And so it was finally time for him to leave.

We stood waiting for a bus at the stop by the biggest rode going past our village. It was quiet and kind of cold seeing how the sun would set in less than an hour. Tino and Berwald had suggested they would drive him into the closest city; Eduard planned to take a train from there. But he had kindly objected, saying they've done enough letting him stay at their house. Truthfully I was glad over that since I could be with my brother a little bit longer, even with the cold wind making me shudder.

I could also ask a thing I hadn't been able to do before.

"What did he do to you?" I wondered out loud and by Eduard's reaction I knew it was unexpected. Ivan had told me that he's "visited" both of my brothers, and so I had to know. I started to fidget with my hands, knowing this was something I shouldn't ask. This subject was something we all hated. Eduard stayed quiet for some seconds, and I wondered if he would ever answer. Then he sighed.

"He showed up at the company I work on." He began. "I guess I should have been alarmed, when a job-partner told me I had someone who wanted to see me. I thought, that maybe it was some of you two, maybe someone else. So it came as an unwanted surprise when he sat there, having a happy conversation with another of my co-workers." Eduard took his glasses of, rubbing off some filth that weren't there. He looked through the already clean glass, as if trying to find any spots on them before he put them on again. "Honestly, I was really scared. He came up and talked to me normally as if he really was whoever he had said he was. My first instinct was to run, but he probably knew where I lived already. Somehow I was lucky that he sought me up at work instead of at home. He couldn't hurt me that way, with so many around." He sounded guilty, and it took a while for me to understand that he was thinking about how Ivan found me when I was alone… No, I didn't want to think about that. "Then, before he left…" He dragged out the words. "…he said that he would go get you before he bothered with me. He wanted to see you." I gave a shudder, thinking about how Ivan said he wouldn't let me go. "When I got home, I found the letter from Toris. I got really worried, and got here as fast as I could. But it seems like I was way too slow. Things kept coming up and get in the way." I nodded in understanding, even though he couldn't see it as he looked further down the road. The bus finally arrived.

I gave him a quick hug, telling him goodbye. "Oh right, before I forget." He gave me a piece of paper, with different numbers on. "The first is to my cell, and the second one goes to Feliks house, just in case you want to phone us." Eduard said before stepping on the bus. The chauffeur gave me a glance as if he wondered if I would get on too, but deciding that I wouldn't he closed the doors and the bus started going down the road. It left me a chill of emptiness as it drove away.

The sun had already begun to set, so it wouldn't long until it was down completely. Being out alone in the dark was not something I liked, so I started to head back a bit quicker than my usual pace. Peter met me halfway, saying he had been bored and went to pick me up, and I smiled.

OxOxOxO

"..You sure you're the ones who have baked these?" Sey looked at the scones suspiciously as if she was expecting them to explode, or to see some purple steam coming from them. Simply said she was inspecting to see if Arthur had made them since he was the one who mostly baked the known British bread. His cooking "skills" were known over the whole village.

"I can assure you we're the ones," Peter said and sat down at the table as he had been up getting butter and other things you were supposed to have on. They did steam since they were freshly made but they were not… discolored so to say. (How Arthur managed that was still considered an unsolved mystery). "We've already thrown away the leftover since last time Arthur baked, after deciding they were a danger to all our health." He laughed, but quickly stopped himself to check that Arthur hadn't heard it. Considering there was no cursing he hadn't. Arthur had been proud over us anyway, for even wanting tea to the scones. When Peter took the tea out, Sey immediately started to imitate her uncle in a French accent talking about what _wine _would fit to that. Peter hanged on quickly, and soon we had a small mimic-war as they talked about the same things Arthur and Francis used to fight over.

Lilly and I didn't do much, other than laughing, and then interfering as our two friends started getting a bit too into their roles. Peter suddenly made a big motion with his hand, and accidently knocked my cup from the table. I didn't have time to react as I saw the light-brown substance come over me. The warm substance hit my stomach and I hissed making the make-believe game ended abruptly. I reached after some paper to dry some away; just lucky I didn't get anything on my pants and only on my shirt. Peter had just managed to catch the cup before it crashed to the ground, and he carefully set it back to the table. "Shit, I'm sorry Rai." He excused and I smiled, the pain coming from heat starting to die of.

"I'm alright; I'll just go up and change." I rose up and excused myself, quickly running up to Peter's and my room. Peter had offered to help me look for a new shirt, since our room was in a mess. But I quickly declined his offer. I closed the door behind me, making sure they were all downstairs before I pulled off my white, (though now with a big brown stain,)

shirt. It rubbed against some of the sore spots of my back and I pulled in a gasp. We had a mirror on the opposite side of the door, on one of our closets and as I turned around I looked in it quickly to see my back. I didn't have that much scars, most were discolored streaks that you could barely see. But I knew they were there, and for me they were fully visible to the content that I used a T-shirt when I was on the beach with the others. When I did that, I always blamed it on me being burnt very easily, (actually that wasn't a lie). There had only been once or twice times I had been absent minded enough to not cover up my back. Luckily it seemed like no one had noticed it. But now it was different.

Even it had been over three week since Ivan came; you could fully see the bruise he had made on my back. Most of it had turned to a sickly yellow colour, but you could still hint that blue/purple colour from where the pipe had hit me. If anyone would see it, I wouldn't be able to cover it up. Not being able to look at it anymore, since it reminded me of him and made me feel like he always was behind me, I turned away from the mirror. I should have a spare shirt somewhere here… I sat down on the floor, with clothes being carelessly thrown into a heap. It shouldn't be as hard as it currently was to find a clean shirt in the usual messy room. I groaned but became quiet as muffled sounds came through the closed door. Voices and steps coming up the stairs. It took me less than a second to recognize that they came from my friends. That was typical my luck.

"Raivis, you're taking time, so we came up." Lilly's voice was slightly louder as she knocked on the door. I looked around for anything that I could throw on as they started to open the door. They couldn't see my back while it was in this state! Not finding anything, I simply backed into a wall knowing it would look weird, but running out of ideas. "We're coming in." Lilly opened the door, and they looked inside. Something questioning flew through their eyes as they saw me leaning against the wall. I met Peter's eyes, and in a moment he understood.

"Why are you standing there?" Sey asked, her eyes scanning the floor slightly. "No wonder you couldn't find anything in this mess." She got down and looked over the heap for one moment, before picking up a shirt I apparently had missed before. She stretched her arm out towards me holding it. "Here, I found one." She raised an eyebrow as I didn't move and rose up.

"What's wrong?" Lilly asked, continuing Sey's wondering. I quickly glanced at Peter again, asking for help since I hoped he understood. Suddenly I was glad that he knew what really had happened.

"Come on, girls." Peter became my savior as he sighed dramatically. "Would you want people staring at you as you change?" I hadn't thought about it that way, and I hope Peter missed a momentarily blush before I pushed it down. He had missed it, since he was looking at Sey and Lilly smirking as they shrugged, looking at each other. Sey dropped the shirt down on the floor.

"I didn't know it would make you feel uncomfortable," Sey said clearly speaking to me and accidently slipping into a French accent as she did sometimes. Not as much as Francis did though. "Sorry Rai, we'll move out then!" She smiled and linked arms with Lilly making the blond girl go with her towards the door.

I resisted letting out a sigh of relief and simply mouthed a "thank you" to Peter when the girls had their back towards me. He grinned and then followed the girls out from our shared room. I went from the wall, getting to the middle of the room again but still being careful of not turning my back against them just yet. Knowing my friends they should turn around another time before disappearing. Exactly as predicted, Lilly stopped against Sey's pulling and turned halfway around. She smiled with her eyes closed and an apologizing expression coloring her face.

"We'll wait for you downstairs then," Lilly opened her eyes as I waved them of, trying to look normal, when her smile suddenly fell. "Rai… what's wrong with your back?" My eyes widened and I realized my mistake. Her eyes went slightly past me to something behind. The mirror. She got loose from Sey and walked back into the room, faster this time. I didn't have the time to back away last time even though I tried. Of course she noticed that. "Let me see." She rounded me, and I did a pathetic attempt of covering it with my hands. As if that would make her less suspicious. But I couldn't turn around, since now even Sey had turned back, tilting her head as she tried to see what Lilly meant. Lilly gasped behind me. "How did this happen?" Her fingers ghosted softly over the diagonal bruise that went over my spine. To my horror her hand continued and brushed over a place where I knew I had a scar. I flinched, moving away from her quickly towards the wall again. Without thinking I had hugged myself, my hands currently nailing into my elbows. Since Lilly had bowed down slightly as she looked after the weird damage, she slowly stretched herself up again. Eyes were wide and unbelieving. "Who did that to you?"

I averted my eyes, and accidently looked to Sey. From the look in her eyes she also had seen it by now and wanted to know. But… hadn't I promised to keep them away from this? "I c-can't tell you that…" I stuttered weakly looking down on my arms. Why couldn't I just have lied and said the bruise were from the stairs. But seeing my friends something told me they wouldn't have believed it, and it was too late now anyway. I couldn't find a single lie explaining my scars.

Sey followed my glance down, going even lower down to my ankles. "Your foot…" she started slowly. Her voice was wandering and I could practically hear the bell that called in the back of her head as she made connections over my injuries. "Did the same person hurt your foot… and head?" Lilly, who also had listened to Sey, lifted her head up in understanding as she caught onto Sey's thoughts. Her fingers touched my arm in a way that would seem comfortable. But I was just barley succeeding to not flinch again seeing how it would not exactly help getting them less worried. In difference to her fingers, my body was like a smaller earthquake.

"Who did this to you?" She asked again, sounding firm and mature, not like the teenager she was. Her eyes met mine, being piercing and truth seeking, but still concerned and soft. Pathetically I started to tear up. It wasn't right to drag them into this, even if they had the right to know. Sey came back into the room, and I tried to dry my already blurry eyes. Peter seemed to follow, and he had an uncertain look on his face, that much I could see at least. He probably knew as little as I about what to do and what to say.

"Let him breath…" I finally heard him say as I had to take up a hand to keep tears from falling, brushing the water gathering in my eyes away. But it made him noticed by the girls seeming how different he reacted to this and Lilly stepped away, now turning towards him.

"You know who it was?" Now it was Peter's turn to be pressured, Lilly could be scary when she wanted. That was something that did not happen often, but this time she seemed serious with her pursuit. Peter sent me a glance against me, apologizing and asking for help in the same. I bit my lip and shook my head.

"I just don't want you to know, that's all." I admitted stupidly, knowing that it was an answer they wouldn't agree too. An awkward silence filled the small room, until we suddenly heard Arthur and Alfred from down stairs, talking loudly about something. A look passed through the girls eyes; I could see what they were thinking.

"No! There's no way they could have done it!" I screamed, trying to get them away from the thought about that it had somehow been Alfred and Arthur that had abu—I then realized that I practically admitted abuse, and covered my mouth. Why... Why was this…? Why did this has to happen now? Sey and Lilly looked at each other, both having the overly concerned look. Lilly took a step towards me, her skirt brushing softly against her legs as she walked. I avoided her eyes, since they wanted to make me spill everything. I couldn't keep dragging people into this; people I cared for were always in danger. A sudden flashback hit me, as I saw Ivan drop the photo, annoyance and something that could only be called jealously in his eyes. He knew how much it would hurt me if he hurt them. And I knew he would do it he judged it necessary.

"Raivis?" I heard Sey's voice, but couldn't escape from the mental image. What if Ivan decided that it was only right to break any bond I made? What if he hurt them? I looked at my friends; they were all so close to me, also to my heart. That Ivan didn't like me getting such people was already clear seeing how he, all the time, had kept me inside as I lived with him. What if he killed them? The thought that resounded through my mind was horrible, just because I knew it could be true. And then it would be my fault, for disobeying him. Sey's hand touched my arm, and this time I really jumped from the contact, not being able to stop the fear running freely in my veins. She took her hand away. "Tell us everything, you know you can." Sey's voice again, this time even more worried and troubled. I knew I was scaring them.

"I-I can't… I can't let you in this…" I finally got out, really fighting against the burning coming from tears. I was surprised I'd kept them on hold for this long. "H-He'll… he'll hurt you…" I couldn't stop the tears anymore, as much as the thoughts finding their way onto my tongue didn't want to stay inside. Lilly and Sey both seemed surprised for my sudden change, only Peter dared to step towards me. He was hesitantly, but slowly reached out to pat my hair. Why did I always have to be like this?

"He is not here…" Peter said, closing in a bit and hugged me. "And we're fine."

We sat down on the floor after that. Peter told a small recap over what he knew about me and Ivan. No details, like the basement, but just what had happened. They both stayed quiet the whole time, their faces serious and understanding. Sometimes they glanced at me, but mostly they left me alone. It took a while for me to calm down and stop crying, but that was alright. Because I was with them, and slowly I let the fear drain from my body.

For at moment it felt just as if things would get back to normal. I knew how dangerous it was to let down my guard, so I tried to never be alone when being outside. But being with my friends… having fun and such was just so ordinary that only the pain, that occasionally came back to me when I wasn't careful, kept me from denying my memories and flashbacks. I would send Eduard and Toris letters almost every day, not calling my brothers even if I had their phone numbers. And they would always send letters back to me. Even the nightmares was beginning to dry out, actually letting me sleep at night

Then, just like that, the letters stopped coming.


	8. Drowned

**A/N: **This chapter went faster than I had expected, it actually took only two days to write. But since my sister stole our computer as she went away I haven't been able to upload 'til now. (I think it got faster as we comes to things I like to write... oh wellXD)  
Aaaand as usual I forgot what I was supposed to say^^"

Thanks for reading, and if you see anything that makes your eyes bleed, just tell me :3

_

* * *

Then, just like that, the letters stopped coming. _

To say I wasn't worried would be just as wrong as saying that the world wasn't round. And for me, the world was spinning way too fast at the moment as I felt things be set in motion. Usually it would take some times for the letter going back and forth, but never this long. For me it didn't really matter what the letters said, not that I didn't care, but the simple thing of getting them would be of most importance. They were needed for us to check on the others, seeing how they were and if they were fine. And also to warn each other if necessary.

There had been one or two times before now when the letters had stopped like this. But I would always get some kind of foreboding someway. Like that they wrote in the last letter before the stop about how they would have to switch hideout. Though, even though I then knew the reason I wouldn't get any letters from one of my brothers it didn't stop me from worry. And it had never happened that both of them would stop like this without any reason. The only reason I could think of was the worst. I kept my patience a little bit longer, hoping that there would just be a delay in the postal-service, or that they would have had to move quickly and didn't have the time to tell me. Anything like that. But after a week, without a word from either of them, I was really scared.

My nightmares started again, too. Unlike the last one, in that cold isolated room, this was not sparkled of a memory. It always begins the same way. I would wake up in a room with over fifteen doors in it. I knew I would only get out from one of them and would always start looking after the right one. Some of the doors were locked; some of them ended in a corridor of darkness; and some just took me into the same room I began in. I would always get to the right door as it was last. As I walked towards it, the sound under me would go from clattering to splashing. Water would drip from underneath the wooden-door and slowly fill up the floor. Once the whole floor was wet, there wasn't any wood under my feet anymore.

I walked on water. Weirdly, it wasn't strange or anything for me as the water somehow held me up. Not even when I looked down into the place where the water got so deep it was black I would become scared. The water comforted me, even as I knew it was impossible doing what I did. The door wasn't locked, and easily went up. As I stepped over the doorstep the bad part of the nightmare would begin. I would be at the beginning of a long corridor, without any more doors, and as I stepped into the hallway the entrance I had came from would slam shut and disappear. I tried to find it again, but to no use. I would then start to walk down the hallway, looking for another exit. Then I would start to run, and finally I would realize that I was running from something. I had to find the entrance of the long corridor. The floor started to turn out like pieces from a puzzle that fell as I ran over them. I would constantly have to speed up. Since I was in a dream I didn't get tired, but fear would make me feel heavier. Finally I would get to the end of the hallway, seeing a door. It would be harder to open than the one I had come through, and I had to hurry as the floor disappeared under me. But finally I would be it open just as the last piece disappeared into an eternal darkness.

The water was there again, and I ran out on it letting me catch the breath I didn't have for a moment. It was beautiful there. The sky was just a bit paler than the water I was standing on, just as light as if the sun stood at its highest. But there was no sun. This somehow didn't bother me, dream logic to blame, as I started to walk away from the door that just as the other one had disappeared into thin air. I didn't bother this time, since I didn't like that door. I just kept walking on the calm water, towards the horizon where sea and sky connected. But just as I looked at those blending tones of blue, something happened. Slowly the outline of the sea would be colored black. And it spread quickly like someone was painting the scene with a giant paintbrush. As the outline came closer, swallowing my blue sea, I realized the true colour of the poison. Red. The darkest kind of red, just as blood without any oxygen.

I knew that once the red liquid hit me, I would be swallowed. I didn't want that of course, but in that dream always did the same thing which always surprised me. I started to run towards the blood-like water. I never knew why I did it, just that I had to and I couldn't stop myself. As I put one foot on the red, it immediately got caught and I was dragged into the slimy-liquid as if being pulled by an unknown source. It felt like hands dragged me deeper down, and I couldn't fight them as they surrounded my body and dragged me further away from the blue waters. For some reason that I couldn't fully make out, that made me feel calm. I knew that the sea wouldn't be polluted now. The red got down in my throat as I tried to breathe, and would fill me from my inside. It was everywhere. Knowing that I wouldn't see the light of the endless sky again, I let it take control over my body.

I would always wake in cold-sweat. Even If I always felt calm in that last moment, I would always wake panicked and crying. At least I didn't scream as I always did after my former nightmare, but this one left me shivering in my bed unable to fall asleep. This particular night, I let worry cover me whole and decided to try and contact my brothers. Sneaking out of the room was not hard, and I checked carefully if Peter was asleep, he was, and I even got down the stairs without making a sound. I took the cordless telephone and went to the part of the house I knew the ones inside would hear me least. I started pressing the numbers I'd learned by heart. I put the phone to my ear and listened, hoping Eduard would pick the phone up. I got an answer immediately.

"_The number you're seeking is not available at the moment, please call again."_ The phone quieted down and left me with a beeping sound in my ear as it expected me to follow the artificial woman's advice. I swallowed as I took the phone away from my ear. I started to dial the next number Eduard had given me, trying to calm myself with breathing as I once again listened to the beeping in the phone. The phone called once, twice and I started chewing my lower lip. Please answer! The third time, the phone was picked up.

"_Hello?"_ Polish. I almost sighted in relief, and licked my lips. It wasn't Toris, but I knew who it was anyway and it made me a little bit more confident as I answered.

"Um… Mr. Feliks?" I asked and waited for an answer, there was a moment of silence on the other side of the line.

"Ah! Raivis, it's you isn't it?" He sounded happy, but there was something hinting in his voice. I couldn't quite make out what it was, but the difference from his normal voice was obvious. He worked as a designer, and always had confidence in his works. He was of that kind who knew exactly what he wanted and how he would make it the best. I had noticed that right away as he had helped me with my house. But now that confidence had died away. The happiness was forced. My hands became sweaty, and I grasped the phone tighter, trying not to speak loud as to wake the others in the house.

"Can… can I speak to Toris please?" I knew how much my voice was shaking but I couldn't do anything about it. He probably noticed it right away and there was another silence from his side. When he spoke again he couldn't fake his voice anymore.

"I'm sorry… he's not here." Sadness and regret.

"What happened!" After I'd realized that I had almost screamed out, I turned quiet listening if there was another sound in the house, telling me if someone had woken up. There was nothing though, only darkness. The breathing in the phone had started to tremble, I listened closely.

"I… like, I've got no idea. He's just… gone." I regretted my outburst when I heard that his voice had started to shake, almost like he was crying. If Toris was gone… Feliks probably knew what that meant. They were close enough to tell each other everything it wouldn't surprise me if he got Toris to spill everything. "I just went out a moment, not long, but when I came back he wasn't there." It wouldn't surprise me if he was crying. Even though he usually was so confident it wasn't hard to see he could be emotional when he wanted. "I've been looking everywhere… but I can't find him. I tried to contact Eduard but…" his voice trailed off. When listening to his voice I got the feeling that he was letting many things out but that it still was hard, so the words was forced and strained.

"I-I know…" I whispered, scared that I would start crying too. So it was true, Ivan had taken both of them. I just prayed he hadn't hurt them.

"Has… he come to you? I mean after the last time." The voice was hesitant and I shook my head before remembering he couldn't see me.

"N-not yet…" I stuttered changing the ear I held the phone to, scared that I would drop it as my hand had started to get sweaty. "B-but I g-guess I'm n-next…" I added with a humorless laugh pulling my feet up on the chair I was on. I felt like I needed to keep myself from falling apart.

"You've got people with you, right?" He suddenly asked, and a flash of my friends and the grown-ups too who had helped me came through my mind. I let myself smile and hummed sadly but agreeing into the phone. "Stay with them and I'm sure you're gonna be fine…" a little bit of confidence found its way back into his voice and it made me glad too. "I'll… I'll continue to look after them. But… I would like to see you too." The confident was still there, and I could hear that this was something he decided long before I called. "I think Toris would have wanted me to check on you." Sadness again, but I knew his words were true, that was really something my worrywart of a brother would do. "I'll come around—"

"No!"I suddenly interrupted him and I had to be quiet again to check if I'd woken anyone up. "You can't come here…" I didn't want my friends to know about it just yet. They would probably be really worried and never leave me alone. The word would probably go around quickly if someone saw me talking with Feliks, without Toris, and ask questions. That wouldn't be good. "T-there's a town pretty near here, we c-can meet up there instead." I hope it didn't sound too weird, and he seemed to think it over.

"Okay… it's alright with me." He finally agreed and we started deciding time and place. Not that it was really deciding precisely. We said it would be around five, just after I'd quitted school, and we would meet up at the largest market deciding where we should talk more then.

OxOxOxO

Two days after, at the day that Feliks and I had decided on I was lucky in school. The teacher of the last lesson was sick and we only got homework in exchange that we could go home and skip the last lesson. The clock was half past two by then. One and a half hour before the bus I would take to the city left. That meant I had some time before I had to go. Arthur had stopped picking us up after school, now when my foot was better, and that made me more confident in what I was about to do. When Peter and I got home we was met by a horrible smell, and we found Arthur in the kitchen. After he and Peter had traded some insults and words I swallowed. Here goes nothing. "I was thinking of going into the city, since I need to get some things." It was half true anyway, but I wasn't sure that Arthur would let me go alone. But just as me the others had begun to let down their guard and Arthur just made me promise to be home before seven, a promise I gladly gave in exchange of going without anyone.

Peter was harder to convince not to follow, but I reminded him of the homework we had until tomorrow that I'd already done, but he hadn't started with. After resisting some whining from him I got him to agree to stay home, and as he said I would: "Leave me to my destiny following Arthur's food." I went a bit before I had to just to have time since there was no way I could contact Feliks if I missed this. But on the way to the stop, I found myself standing in front of my old house. The door was unlocked, and I stepped inside for the first time in over a month.

Nothing had changed at all, except it having a kind of ghostly feel to it. After being in a house full of life, my old one seemed… well… dead. There were only a few things that were gone, but I knew those were the things the other had plucked together and taken to me. I walked over the living room, suddenly feeling a sharp pain in the bottom of my foot. Taking it up, I realized that I'd stepped on glass. There weren't any big shards on the floor, but I already knew what had been here. Someone had obviously picked the photo up, and taken the glass up too. There seemed to be some left though. I plucked the little invisible piece out of my foot, glad it wasn't that big and went away from the place.

If you were to count on the clock hanging on the side of the wall; I had around 25 minutes until the bus came. It would take only ten minutes to walk to the stop so I had really much time left. I was just about to go out again, when I glanced up the stairs. Deciding to check another thing I walked up the stairs towards my room. As I got up, a strange smell found my nose and I walked a bit faster, understanding it came from my room. There was a cold pit of a bad feeling in my stomach. But I opened the door anyway.

I understood where the smell came from the moment I came inside. There were flowers all over my room. Only two different sorts though. The first one I recognized immediately, knowing that the sunflower was Ivan's favorite flower. The second sort was my favorite, the daisy. Most of the flowers were already rotting, being here since long. And somehow I was kind of glad for that, but still the smell was overwhelming and I started to move out from my old room again. A clear streak of yellow hit my eyes, and I turned a bit looking at the floor next to me. A sunflower and a small daisy laid there, alone and both fresh. They couldn't have been added for over a dag ago. Horror hit me as I realized he must have been here, maybe just a few hours ago. The air around me made me feel choking and dizzy, and I retreated from my room. At the doorstep I noticed another thing. There laid the pieces of the photo, being ripped in many small parts. I ran over them and out from the house, having almost tripped in the stairs. That would have been ironic if I had hurt myself.

I ran almost the whole way to the stop, realizing there was ten minutes left. It felt longer as I waited, and almost bliss came to me as the bus arrived, just one or two minutes late. The bus ride itself took about forty minutes, leaving me with twenty to find Feliks. The town was big, and I honestly didn't know where to go as I got off the bus. After a while I got the general direction of the market. I walked faster than usual through the unfamiliar streets, feeling as if multiple eyes were watching my every step. I hoped I would be getting to the meeting point soon. The market was actually bigger than I had expected, and full with people. I blended into the mass, looking around after the blond haired designer. Now being short was really something I cursed seeing how I was pushed around. Finally I spotted some blond, shoulder long hair and I set course towards Feliks. He also looked around, but never at me. Sometimes his look would go over me, and then I mean over, not on. After much pushing and apologizing I was almost by him. Then I suddenly couldn't go forward anymore.

Instead I was pulled back harshly, my wrist becoming captive and being used to pull me. The hand around my wrist let me go but was replaced with an arm wrapping itself around my chest. It took me less than a moment to recognize the body behind me I was pressed against and my breath stopped in my throat. No, this wasn't happening. I struggled hard trying to pull away, but Ivan simply lifted me up using the hand he held tightly around my chest, making my struggles powerless. With the grip hardening I tried to kick him, not making a difference in his hold in the least. His grip was tightening my chest. I wouldn't be able to breathe if this kept up. No one being around seemed to notice anything and I pulled in a breath to scream. Ivan's hand suddenly covered both my mouth and nose as a reaction. I assumed it was to keep me from screaming but then I felt a light smell, sweet and chemical, coming from a cloth that covered my airways. Chloroform. This realization made me want to struggle harder, but I could feel the liquid mixed with air come into me every time I took a breath. Darkness started to take over and I tried hopelessly to take his hand away. Ivan placed a kiss on the top of my head as he felt my body die out of strength.

"Sleep, my dear one." He whispered being close enough for me to hear him clearly even in the mass of people we were in. My feet touched the ground as Ivan put me down, but I knew that I would fall to the same asphalt if he let go of me. Still, that he wouldn't was a fact. He wouldn't let me go, never. Just as I was about to be forced asleep, the crowd split for a second and I had a clear line towards Feliks. Just at that time he looked back at us for a moment his eyes widening. But the moment he met my eyes, he looked away. There was one last thought through my mind.

"_Was that regret in his eyes?"_

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And Ivan shows up again! ^A^


	9. Trap

**A/N:** Hm... don't really have much to say here^^ So I won't hold you up and just let you read!

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"_Was that regret in his eyes?"_

_OxOxOxO_

_Feliks talked into his phone, an annoyed tone in his voice as he walked down the big streets of Warszawa. "What? No, like, you can't just put there… Yes, the left side. Isn't that obvious?" He sighed, considering going back to the place he was currently designing seeing how those who he put the work on didn't seem to get his thought of inspiration. But he'd left Toris alone long enough as it was, so he had to instruct them over the phone as he headed home. Those idiots couldn't even see which colors that fit together. "Call me if it is anything important, 'key?" he interrupted the trainee that seemed to have a minor crisis and turned the phone off. They had time to change it if anything got wrong anyway, and they had to learn to not only rely on him. The moment after he had aborted the phone call, it suddenly vibrated again, making him groan. He was seriously getting irritated. He was just about to take it up and scold them before realizing he didn't recognize the number. He waited for a moment letting it ring, before putting it to his ear. "Hello?" he asked into the phone, waiting for an answer. It was one of the worst things he had ever heard in his whole life._

_A scream tore through the phone and he immediately recognized the voice of his lover, stopping dead on. "Toris!" he screamed into the phone, making some people passing by look at him strangely. The screams died down, and now he could hear how the phone moved, another breath into the phone. _

"_Mr. __Łukasiewicz,__ I assume?" The voice asked, and Feliks felt his blood freeze as he heard that it was laughter in the voice. Otherwise it was strangely sweet and almost like silk, he would probably think it was beautiful if he heard it anywhere but at this moment. Now it left him terrified. "I think you can guess who this is, yes? Well, the thing is I would have to have a little talk with you, is that alright?" Feliks started to run as the voice continued, listening as Ivan was probably walking around. "Toris here…" He stopped and to his horror Feliks heard a kick and a whimper from the other side of the line. "…said you were busy, but I've been trying to reach you for a while now. I hope you can look into your schedule and find some time." The man actually giggled and Feliks sped up now seeing his house. "I see you're on your way now, so I'll end the call now." He heard a click and then he was left with only the beeping and his own harsh breath. _

_He could see something move behind the closed kitchen curtains and he tried to force himself to go faster. He couldn't quite pinpoint the feeling that made his legs keep running at this speed, as he already felt like they would break down at any moment. Anger, worry, and fear was all mixed up as he opened the door to his and Toris home, the place he thought his lover would be safe in. Feliks fingers almost slipped of the door knob. But he got it up anyway, and got inside. None of his feelings fully died away, but worry overcame them all for a moment of shock. Toris lay on the floor, head turned down into it, but Feliks could still see that his eyes were closed. But the worst part was the man sitting on the table over Toris, holding one foot on the brunet's head. "Toris!" Feliks screamed and ran into the room, but stopped when the man made a simple wiggling of his finger, shaking his head while smiling. _

"_If you come any closer I'm gonna crush his head." He said playfully, but Feliks could feel his body respond in a way he hadn't felt before. He was seriously scared. This was the man that Toris had been talking about. The one that had made his dearest friend so scared after his last visit that Toris hadn't spoken in three days. This was the person that Toris had told him about, the reason they moved around as much as they could. This was the one who had hurt Toris and his brothers. Worry and fear changed into anger as he gritted his teeth, but he didn't move from the spot and simply stared at Ivan, who chuckled happily at this. "Calm down, I just want to ask two simple questions." He jumped down from the table, now Toris being behind him. He put up his finger. "First, do you love Toris?"_

_The question was completely unexpected and Feliks jolted. Not knowing what to say. Should he lie? Tell the truth? He decided to stand up for truth, "I love him, over anything else." There was another surprise as Ivan clapped his hands together, actually looking happy. _

"_That's wonderful!" he now showed two fingers, motioning that the second question would come, a smile that could only be described as wicked finding its way up on his lips. "Will you help me with something then? Even though I would want Toris too, I have my priorities." He smiled became sweet and poisonous. "I'm too in love with someone, you see. If you help me to get him, I would be really glad." _

"_What!" Feliks burst out before he could stop himself, the anger bubbling up from his inside. "Why would I help you…? I would never!" And he could guess who the person Ivan wanted was, since Toris had after a nightmare told him about Ivan's obsession to his youngest brother. Toris would never forgive him if he gave Raivis to Ivan, especially not after he'd heard what Ivan had done to the boy. _

"_I'm not done yet." Ivan still held up his façade of kindness, but now there was a tiny bit of annoyance hinting behind his eyes. "If you help me, I won't ever touch your dear Toris or even Eduard again. Isn't that good?" The look on his face made Feliks believe that he really thought it was good. Still… he couldn't agree, could he? Ivan noticed this by his silence and sighed. "Let's put this in other words then, shall we?" He walked back to Toris fingering slightly on an arm Feliks now noticed it was awfully dislocated, broken. "If you don't help me, I'm gonna take them all anyway. Honestly I'm pretty angry at them, and it might go… worse than a simple punishment." He rose up, and then stepped on the broken arm, getting a muffled scream from Toris in his unconscious state. "I'm sure you understand." He said quietly as he continued to press his foot down, making the sound of cracking bones reach Feliks._

"_Stop! Please!" Feliks screamed, but his body still remembered the threat from before and he didn't step forward. "Please don't hurt him…" His voice died down as he felt tears coming behind his eyes dripping over the edge. Ivan turned around, his expression changing to a triumphant. _

"_Do we have a deal then?" the other man said, to Feliks relief stepping away from Toris. Feliks nodded tiredly, not finding any other way out of this. It felt like he would give away his soul to the devil, but with just one glance at his unconscious lover, he felt how his heart was already dirty. He could do anything if he knew Toris would be alright, even if his choices made Toris hate him. _

"_I agree…" And with that the devil smiled. _

_OxOxOxO_

_I had that dream again. Though this time some things were different. You see, I couldn't run from the beginning. No matter what doors I found, or how much I tried to get them open they would all be locked. The last door was there, and I knew it was unlocked. But it was blocked and covered up. I waited for the water to come, but it never did. The time I stayed inside that room felt eternal. And slowly, my door to escape started to melt; it turned into the same liquid as I always drowned in. _

_For a moment I saw the corridor that had been behind it, but the floor had already been turned into a black hole by then. The hole was quickly spreading into the room I was in. Cracks started to appear in the floor like it was made of thin ice, and parts would break of and fall. I had nowhere to run this time. Even if I tried all of the doors again, they didn't want to go up, as if to mock me. Then suddenly, I felt the floor beneath me crack, and my feet had nowhere to stand. I started falling. For a moment I thought the fall would never end, but then I landed, straight down into the red, blood-like liquid. _

_I tried to keep my breath, and fought to swim towards the surface. Hands locked around me, but this time it was only one pair that dragged me down. Ivan. He was in front of me, but just as a dark shadow. It didn't stop me from getting scared though. I tried to struggle, as usual, but with all the heavy liquid, it felt as if he was all around me. He was. He kissed me, and sucked my breath from me. It that that way the liquid came inside me and choke me this time. I was drowned by his kiss. _

The feeling of not being able to breathe followed me as I finally seemed to get conscious. That was enough to make me start panicking. It got worse when I squirmed; just to find out I couldn't move my hands. They were both bound tightly over my head, with ropes that didn't seem like they would break no matter how I pulled. With horror I also realized why I couldn't quite breathe, as I felt the gag in my mouth. It took me one second to remember what had happened. And when I did, I felt like screaming. The gag even took that escape from me. It something incredible rough and weird to have a gag in my mouth, as it got me to slightly choke, and the ropes had already made my wrists sore. The restrains were making me let out muffled winces as I tried to make them loose, but it only made it hurt even more. Ivan had bound them too tight for me to handle.

My sight started to get blurry at the thought of him. Ivan had really succeeded; he had managed to kidnap me. I was trapped. Trembles was sent throughout my body as I stopped trying to wriggle free. How long had I been asleep? Where had he taken me too? I was lying in a bed, almost tucked in and it would have been comfortable if it were not for me being tied up. It was warm under the cover, but I knew I had to be somewhere cold. My arms were almost freezing in the contrast, even though it wasn't that cold. I tried to release them again, but without panic this time. There was no use; I just had to realize that as the rope scraped my wrists.

Sobs started to break through the gag as I started to cry. I just wanted to get up, get out from this room and run, run, run. But I couldn't. The room was bigger than most, but still not overly big, and it had two doors. One of them was probably a wardrobe or something, and one of them was the way out from this room. I bet it was locked, and even if I didn't have the restrains, I probably wouldn't be able to push it up. Otherwise the room was simple, no paintings or other decorations, just an empty writing desk on the same side as the door. On the opposite side, where also I laid, I just noticed there were windows behind me. It wasn't weird I hadn't noticed them before. They were all nailed up, and didn't let anything come through. Not any sound, not any light. Without the help they couldn't give I didn't even know if it was day or night. Lightning up the room was a single lamp hanging from the ceiling. Though there was another lamp next to the bed, but that one wasn't even switched on. That was as much as I could see.

While inspecting the room I was held captive in, I had managed to calm down a little bit. There was just a hole of hopelessness left in my heart, numbing out everything else. I couldn't move from this spot, I would have to wait until Ivan… until Ivan came. My pillow had gotten wet from the tears still streaming down. I was at his mercy, a toy for him to do as he pleased with. I tugged once again at the ropes, to see if they would break the smallest bit. Of course they didn't move at all. When I looked up at my wrists, slightly being hidden by my sleeves, they were red marks looking like the ropes and my hands had fallen asleep long ago from the blood not fully coming through. A slight feeling of terror found its way down my spine as I realized something. I wasn't in the same clothes I had been when I left home. Instead of my jeans and sweater, I was wearing something that seemed more like a pajamas. It was red and was soft as I really felt it. But the thing that made shivers come down my spine was the fact that Ivan had dressed me while I was unconscious. The clothes didn't feel comfortable anymore, just cold. The memory of the basement came and didn't want to leave my mind. His hands demanding, controlling my body. Back then I could still struggle, and try to escape. This time, I wouldn't be able to get away.

My sobs grew louder, but I stopped letting them out as I heard footsteps down the hallway. Please no! There would be no way for me to pretend I was asleep, since my shaking had gotten so hard that I couldn't control it. The steps stopped outside the room, and I heard a subdued "cling" as keys smacked into each other. After a moment of fumbling, the assumingly right key was pushed in, and with a click the door was locked up. I couldn't stop myself to stare, horrified and terrified as Ivan stepped into the room. He's worn an emotionless expression as he stepped inside, but as he saw I was conscious his face cracked up in a childlike smile. I shuddered as he locked the door behind him, putting the keys in a pocket. He quickly walked over to me, excitement all over just like a child on Christmas. Honestly it freaked me out.

"You're awake!" He proclaimed happily, as he came all the way over the room, sitting on the edge of the bed. "I was scared you might never wake up." He stroke me over the cheek, and I turned away from the touch as it felt like it burned my skin. He didn't seem to bother with my reaction though. "Do you know how long you've slept?" He asked, looking a bit concerned but the excitement was still overwhelming everything. I shook my head slowly, feeling the wetness from my tears as I moved. They hadn't stopped yet, but that was another thing that Ivan didn't seem to care about. He'd never cared if I cried anyway. "You've been asleep here for two days, approximately," he answered his own question. Two days? That both felt long and short, but in the end I decided that it was long. Two days with Ivan was far too long. I didn't want to stay anymore than this. I didn't want to be with him at all. "I've been so worried about you…" He suddenly said with his voice barely over a whisper. His hand found my cheek again, and then his fingers followed the gag to my mouth resting them on my upper lip.

If I hadn't been stopped by the gag, I would have bit him. But I couldn't and before I could avoid, not that I was able to do that fully either, his own lips replaced his fingers as he kissed me around the gag. I let out a choked whimper as his hand moved over my hair in something that could resemble a soothing motion. It's not that hard to understand it wasn't as he tried to make me accept him. I did everything I could to refuse, trying to turn my head, pulling my head deeper down in the pillow. Finally he let me go, but stayed hovering above me. My tears had stopped, and I could feel his breath moving over my face. He was only smiling slightly, so that it was more that his mouth being in a slight curve up rather than a smile as he scanned me. He now had one hand on either side of my face and as he bent down again, and apparently being done with his examination his arms slipped under my head. He involved me in a weird kind of an embrace and he kissed my cheek lightly.

His breath was now finding its way into my ear, it was hot and slow. I could almost hear his smile grow wider as a chill stroke down my spine from the feeling. "I missed you…" He whispered as his grip around me got tighter and tighter. "I missed you so much." I whimpered and squirmed, trying to find a way out of his grip and my restrains. His mouth followed my neck down, placing random kisses that all made me shudder. When he got to the crook of my neck, he stopped for a moment, almost like he was hesitating. Then he bit down. I tried to scream as pain blossomed up, but the gag put it down to a muffled whimper. He sucked on the bite mark he made and kept me struggles down to a minimum and I was left shaking and crying once again his grip. His hands fumbled behind my head as they untied the gag. As it slipped of my face, I took a deep breath, needing it after only having breathed with my nose for a while, before he stopped it and kissed me once again. He was smiling against my unwilling and unmoving lips before he rose up again, pulling his hand down and held it gently over the bite mark. "I finally found you, and I will never let you go again." My sobs were heard louder as the gag was gone. "You won't put me through that betrayal again, yes?" he mumbled and laid back down on my chest, pulling me into some kind of twisted, forced cuddling. I stayed quiet, wishing me away, even back into my nightmares would be better than this. And If I would speak I knew what words that would come.

"_I hate you…" _My thoughts whispered as I continued to cry.


	10. Prison

I apologize for this chapter in beforehand… personally I hate it^^" I got into a writer block somewhere in the middle… so yeah. Actually I was panicing as I wrote this since I had to remember this and that and I couldn't check it after grammatical faults and such like I'm used to do.  
Next chapter is going to be the last anyhow, but it's going to be a small (really short) epilogue after it.

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Ivan left after a while and, to my relief, he also untied the restrains of my wrists. He left new clothes on the side of my bed, all folded neatly, before he left. I didn't touch them, didn't want to wear them. My old clothes were nowhere to be seen, but I wanted them back with the simple reason that I had gotten them with Peter. One second later I realized that was probably why he'd thrown away my clothes. I put my feet down on the floor that creaked gently under the unexpected weight. If Ivan was anywhere nearby he could easily hear that I'd gotten up. It felt somehow weird walking as I'd been lying down for a long time, and the floor felt cold under my bare feet. First I looked more closely at the windows, to see if there wasn't a crack somewhere.

There wasn't, but if I tried… I could probably pull one or two of the boards up enough to see a little bit more than this. But I didn't do it, not now at least, since Ivan would probably notice it the moment he got back. That wouldn't be any good. I pulled my hand down the wooden boards, hindering my sight of the outside world and winced slightly when a splinter stuck into my finger. I pulled it out quickly, checking so there was nothing left before turning away from the windows. Maybe this was for the best anyway. It would probably have felt even more locked in if I had seen the world outside. Now I only felt closed in and lonely. Not that I knew if that was for better or worse.

I walked along the walls, going past the writing desk and the door. I knew it was locked, Ivan had been extra careful to not leave it locked up, checking it twice before I heard him walk away. I couldn't hear him at the moment, but I guessed that he was still nearby in the house. Always there to make sure I stayed in my place, in this room. I continued and walked to the other door in the room, checking the doorknob to see if it was open. To my surprise the room the door was leading into wasn't a wardrobe as I first had thought. It was a bathroom. All of it was white just like the other room, except a mirror over the washbasin I walked to it hesitantly. I was not sure if I wanted to see myself.

The boy in the mirror looked tired, and sad. His eyes were red from crying, and I could almost see where the tears had run down his cheek. His skin was pale, and with that came that he looked sickly. It hurt me to see my own reflection like this, and I tried to smile, but the boy in the mirror only had something they would in my books I used to read call "a ghost of a smile". The more I looked at myself, the more the slight smile disappeared from both me and my reflection's face. How would I look if I was kept here for long?

For how long would he be keeping me here?

The bathroom suddenly felt way too small for me to be in, and I hurried out into the bigger one. I sat down in the middle of the room, trying to get my claustrophobic thoughts away. If Ivan got like he wanted it, I would probably never be allowed even outside this room. I closed my eyes, trying to forget the white, snow-colored walls keeping me prisoner. Peter. Would I never see him again? I hugged myself tightly, just as my mind was holding hard onto the picture of my friend. At least Ivan couldn't force me to forget him, could he?

I smiled, not like that fake smile I had forced on myself before, but a real one. Somehow my friends was still saving me, even as I was god knows how long away I was. Ivan held me captive, but it didn't stop me from dreaming. He couldn't stop me from remembering and believing. He couldn't take that freedom from me…

…right?

OxOxOxO

One of the most annoying things of being locked up was just that I didn't know anything about the outside. I had only seen a small glint of the corridor outside when Ivan had walked in and out before. Also, since I couldn't see outside I didn't know what time it was or even how much time it had been. Never being the one who could estimate time made me totally clueless of how many minutes that had passed and was passing. I was sitting at the edge of my bed, (no, not mine. It wasn't mine I tried to tell myself over and over), with my feet dangling a few centimeters over the floor. The clothes still lay beside me, untouched. I wouldn't dare to ask to get my old ones back, but just not wearing the ones he had given me was probably enough to give Ivan the hint.

I tried to listen after him, if he was in the house but I couldn't hear a thing. It seemed like the room was completely isolated, except the door. That meant I would only hear him as he walked in the corridor outside. So I didn't know where he was, and the only sounds I heard was my own breathing. There was also another feeling that came with the isolation, how anticlimax it may seem like, that special feeling was boredom. I was bored with nothing to do. I had already checked the whole room, not quite the bathroom since I was sure there wasn't anything exciting there. My gaze flew over the room, going past the two doors and the desk. Wait. There were some drawers on the desk that I hadn't checked yet.

I jumped down from the bed and walked over to the plain table. It had a chair standing halfway underneath, that kind of old that would probably creak if I simply poked at it. I looked from the bottom drawer up. First one, empty. So were the second and the third. But I felt it the moment I moved the fourth and highest drawer that there was something inside. Books. There were three of them. One of them seemed kind of easy, but in Russian, so I probably wouldn't get everything. The second was thicker and also in Russian, one grade harder I guess was the thought of it. The last one made me surprised though.

It was in Latvian, in my national tongue. I couldn't resist being curious as I opened the book at the same time I closed the drawer too. It was unbelievable that Ivan had gotten me a Latvian book, since while I lived in his house he wanted me to only speak Russian. I walked back to the bed, my eyes already locked into the book and I felt my mind drift off like it was used to do. This actually seemed interesting. As I read I could completely close myself of from the world, a small escape after a hard day. If I didn't get back to the soft mattress I would probably just sit down on the floor. From experience I knew that would start to hurt after some time. I climbed up on the bed, making the clothes on the side ruffle and fall from the perfect pile they had been in. In the artificial light from the lamp I could pretend I was somewhere else as I let my mind go.

The story was sad, and romantic. It was written so that I almost felt the tea smell mixing with the poisoned scent of roses. It had some random twists that just made you follow with the flow wondering just why and how things could turn out this way. It was also slightly frustrating when I realized something that the main-character had yet to get. It was as if I slightly tried to convince her to get it at first, but was after a few more twists just as lost as her. I felt so dragged into the book that I didn't notice the door opening and then closing just as quiet.

It was not until Ivan blew gently in my ear that I reacted. I yelped, almost falling over to my side in shock as I clasped the book and it closed with a small thud that sounded almost like a sigh. "Do you like it?" He asked, having a satisfied smile on his face. He knew I liked it and somehow that made me want to give up the book. Was I not letting myself be happy over any reason he gave? Probably not. That would feel like being the same thing as surrender, even though it really wasn't. I still didn't like him, there was too much to forgive that I just couldn't. But I decided to answer him honestly in the end.

"It's interesting." I answered and looked into the book so that I didn't need to look at him, and see that childish grin on his face. It was probably different knowing I liked it and hearing it from me. I regretted my choice for a moment as he suddenly gave me a light peck on my cheek and I flinched away.

His eyes floated over to the unused clothes now lying half of the bed. "Are you not going to change?" he asked as he saw them and seemingly remembered I was still in the pajamas. I avoided his glance and clutched the sleeves of the red fabric. He bent down and lifted up one of the clothes, a smile I could only see as creepy sneaking up on his face. "Or do you rather want me to help you?" I felt my body freeze even as my face got hot and surely red. He tossed me the tee-shirt and I caught it as it more or less landed on me. "I'll go away for a moment." He smirked, apparently amused from my reacting and walked to the door. "I expect you to have changed when I get back, 'key?" He smiled locked the door up, and then locked it again when he was outside. This time he only checked it once before I could hear his steps fading away to nothingness.

The blush stayed on my face as I weighted my choices. It wasn't hard. I put the book away softly on my pillow and slipped of the bed. Taking the other clothes, I walked to the bathroom trying to not drop anything. I looked after a lock on the inside of the door, and found one. But of course it was just for keys, and I couldn't just lock it without a key. Ivan probably had that too, meaning he could lock me up here if he wanted. I shook my head as the claustrophobic feeling came. I didn't have time. I had to hurry before he came back. I quickly changed to the white tee-shirt and black pants. It kind of scared me of just how perfect they fit.

As I put my hand back on the doorknob I slightly wondered if I wanted to go out and I hesitated. I couldn't escape, so it wasn't any point in trying to hide any longer. I was just glad that he'd gone out. If he had stayed, saying that it would have been uncomfortable would have been a major understatement. A shiver spread from my neck as I thought about it and quickly stepped out, trying to get away from the cold feeling. I didn't feel like sitting down on the bed again, but I left my pajamas there, folding it messily. I had been just in time.

His steps were heard again, and the moment after the lock was turned. There was a thought in my head as I realized he never knocked, before I got what a stupid thought that was. Why should he ask for coming into the room where he kept me prisoner. That didn't make sense. The lock turned again, this time to close and I knew he was inside the room. I didn't look at him, and concentrated on the nailed up windows instead, like they were the most interesting thing in the room. Honestly they were. Suddenly he hugged me from behind and I yelped, struggling purely from instinct. I gave up directly after knowing nothing would come from it.

I almost didn't hear him as he mumbled into my hair, but after I wished I hadn't. "You look good in those." His voice was satisfied and I could feel him smirking. I decided to not answer and go on with pretending he wasn't there. Like I wasn't trapped in his arms. He seemed to notice my sudden stillness and rose from my hair so that I could hear him clearly. It was a question that caught me unguarded. "Do you miss your brothers?" I did, but there was another thing that struck a chord inside my mind. I made a sudden pull and got away from him, turning towards him instead. My brothers. I didn't know where they were, and that was the reason that I had been supposed to meet with Feliks that day… How could I ever forget? My mind went blank for a moment before gritting my teeth, anger welling up.

"Where are my brothers?" I asked quietly, trying to suppress my voice so that I wouldn't scream. "What have you done to them?" My voice went up to a slightly higher pitch as I stared up at him. He answered with a kind smile; you could even call it honest if you wanted to. I didn't

"I let them go," he said plainly without any particular interest but I was still dubious about it as he continued. "I don't know where that Eduard is, since I simply dropped him off somewhere." Ivan didn't seem to have the smallest bit of problem telling me this, in difference to what I thought he would. "I didn't hurt him," The knowledge that I just got made me a bit calmer, even though I knew that you could practically add "that much" at the end of his sentence. My sense of calm was destroyed in a single moment. "Toris though…" he trailed of thinking, and I couldn't stop myself.

"Where is he!" this time I screamed, as I became worried for my oldest brother. Had he hurt him? He did say that he let them go… but still.

"Feliks has him," Ivan answered with a calm voice in contrast to my screaming. For a moment my world went still and my shoulders lowered a bit in disbelieve. What? No, it couldn't be true. He wouldn't do that, would he? I didn't want to believe it. "I said," Ivan continued and started to pat my hair to calm me down, as he noticed how shocked I was. "…that I would leave Toris alone if he helped me get you." Memories flooded my mind as I understood. That hesitating voice, the regretful look, this was what everything had been about. Ivan got down so he was at my eyelevel and kissed away tears that I hadn't noticed had started falling over my cheek and down on my clothes.

"Love is a dangerous thing, Raivis." He whispered, having an honest and serious voice. "That's just how much he loved Toris…" He cupped my cheeks and smiled lovingly, making my tears flow even more. As his lips captured mine, I didn't have the power to resist. "…and that's just how much I love you." He mumbled before pulling away with a pleased smile. It was probably since I hadn't pulled away from him. I didn't have the power too.

OxOxOxO

Feliks slipped out from the bed, trying to go as slowly and quiet as possible. The sun was barely shining over the horizon and the clock at his bedside table said that it was only five o'clock. It was early, but this was something he wasn't allowed to miss. Toris groaned on the other side and Feliks hurried over, to make sure that his lover didn't hurt his arm as he squirmed in his sleep. It had just started to heal after all. The brunet opened one hazy eye as he tried to wake himself up. That wasn't something good. Because if Toris knew… if he knew who Feliks would meet with everything would break apart. Luckily the green eyes weren't able to focus and the voice was just as tired as them.

"What time is it…?" He mumbled, though Feliks wasn't sure that he would hear the answer. But he couldn't leave without an explanation, even though he avoided the question.

"I just remembered something. I'll be back in a moment, you can just sleep." He kissed the other's forehead and tried to sound as normal and calm as possible even with his racing heart. He handed Toris a glass of water that he gladly drank without really thinking. The head plopped down on the pillow again, and Toris gave a weak smile, fighting against the increasing urge to fall asleep. Feliks watched how the eyes closed again, and the breath slowed down until he was sure the sleeping pills was kicking in and Toris was no longer aware of the real world. Hopefully Toris wouldn't remember this as he finally woke up again; otherwise Feliks would have to find a lie, and he hated lying to Toris.

Drugging Toris down like this was something he obviously dreaded. Eduard had called the day before, so he was obviously fine. Ivan had kept that part of the promise at least. Feliks had lied to Eduard as he called, or not fully lied, just avoiding truth. Since Eduard wanted to talk to Toris, with panic in his voice, Feliks had only said that Toris was asleep. The thing he didn't say was the reason Toris was asleep at the moment. He couldn't have Toris find out about Raivis right now, especially not from his brother since it would only end with Toris breaking. The day would come when Toris would find out, and would be broken. But then he could hopefully recover from the information. Now that wasn't possible.

There was a sting of guilt as he thought about the youngest of the brothers, and tried to comfort himself with the peaceful look on Toris face. It helped a little, but not enough. He sighted and exited their shared bedroom, and headed out, into the still cold streets. The city had yet to wake up, and that was maybe for the best. He didn't want anyone to see who he was meeting, and that was probably why Ivan had chosen their meeting this early. Surely he didn't want to be seen either. Feliks shuddered, not from the coldness around him but he sped up to keep his warmth.

He was only doing this to check up on Raivis, he told himself. Of course it was Ivan who had said that they should meet, Feliks would rather never see him again, but now he could probably make the guilt burning calm down. At least for a moment. There were just a few people out as he came to the place where they were meeting and he sat down on a bench. Some people were hurrying by to an early job, and some were probably returning home after a long night. Otherwise it was ghostly quiet, and he waited.

"Good morning." Feliks jolted as he heard the happy voice and Ivan sat down next to him. He seemed to be in a good mood anyhow. They sat pretty far from each other, like they were complete strangers just happening to be at the same place. Feliks glanced over to the other man, who was currently looking at the slightly lightening sky. It would be a beautiful day if it continued like this. He took a breath preparing, but Ivan interrupted before he even had begun speaking. "How is Toris?" he asked casually and with the exception of his mouth, he didn't move.

"Recovering," Feliks said, not wanting to go into detail, and he didn't think that Ivan was that interested in it anyway, though he seemed pleased with the answer. "Eduard is fine to," Feliks added just because and gat a nod as an answer, Ivan was still not looking at him.

"Have you told anyone of them?" the voice was still as normal and casually, but that didn't mean the question had no weight. Feliks answered without hesitation.

"No, of course not." He let his eyes leave Ivan and stare out at the building around. "How is Ravis?" Feliks wasn't sure if he should ask, but he knew he had to. He had decided that he had too. Ivan looked at him, with an expression telling him it was not Feliks's thing to care about. But he turned away again and there was a gentle smile on his lips. Lovingly, and Feliks felt how a shiver ran down his spine from it.

"He woke up yesterday; though I think it'll take some time until he's gotten used with living with me again…" he trailed off for a moment before finding his track again. "But it won't be that long before he accepts it, I'm sure of that." He did really sound confident, and Feliks clenched his fists. He couldn't stop the words that flowed out next.

"You can't force him to love you." Feliks wasn't sure what he was saying, as he knew he shouldn't test the grounds like this. But he was speaking the truth and he couldn't avoid saying it. The Russian didn't seem angry as he finally looked over to him, and to Feliks surprise, his smile got even bigger and it was even a little bit of kind. Like the kind you would give to a child that didn't understand something obvious. Ivan rose up from the bench, getting ready to leave. He still had that smile as he said, just before walking away:

"But he will learn to love."

* * *

That story Raivis reads is slightly based on a real one, one that my sister wrote some years ago. I wanted to base it on something real, so… and I loved that anyway.

That's all from me now!


	11. Game over

Time flowed, and I had no idea how much time that ran past. I slept when I felt like it, and so I couldn't count nights since I was surely not up a whole day before sleeping. The only thing that I could slightly count on was Ivan's visits. He would come with food three times, in what I counted as a day. I would always eat what he gave me, since he made it clear after the first time that I had too. That time I hadn't felt like eating something, and it ended with him force-feeding me. It was an experience I could have been without. His eyes always lit up in excitement as I ate the food he'd made, as they always did when I did something he approved of. I didn't enjoy his visits, but couldn't decide what was worse. The loneliness or the feeling of closeness he gave me. It always felt like he was inside my skin as he held me.

When I was lonely, the only good thing was that I could dream and try to remember the small part of my life in-between my time with Ivan. The memories were happy but they still made me sad, just so sad to think about it. "Peter…" I whispered his name and hugged my pillow tighter, wetting it with tears that was silently running down from my eyes. I missed him, I missed everyone else and I wanted to see them. I didn't want to be here, I didn't… I stopped my thoughts and sat up directly as I heard the creaking of steps right outside the door. Ivan. My eyes went wide as I realized that he had probably heard me. The key was put into the lock and there was as if a cold wind came from the keyhole. He was angry at me, and it made me terrified. I curled up, hoping that he would just go away, and mentally prepared myself to be hit. Weirdly though, my wish was answered as the key was pulled out from the lock and he turned away walking down the hallway with quick steps.

He didn't come back for hours (though I don't know how many) after that. And the whole time I was nervous about what he would do. Ivan knew how important my friends had been to me, and surely he hated it. He hated the knowledge of how happy I was without him. But when he returned, he didn't seem angry at all, actually, he seemed happier than usual. He sat behind me in the bed, holding me and I tried to concentrate on my book. Trying to forget and get away inside the black letters filling the sides up and down. And I tried to keep myself from tensing up every time he moved. There was something about him that made it impossible for me to relax the slightest. Suddenly he squeezed me in a tight hug and I lost my breath for a moment.

It was something he did at the end of every time he came to "spend time" with me, and I felt kind of relieved. This meant that he would finally go and leave me alone. Just as I had thought he got away from behind me and got of the bed. Something was still different and I yelped as he pulled me with him making me stand up too. His hand switched place from my wrist and took a grip on my chin, guiding it up making me look at him. For a moment I thought he would kiss me, but there was a sudden change in the air, and the thing he asked made me freeze abruptly.

"Raivis… do you love me?"

It was different from that other time, because now he demanded a true answer even as his voice was absentminded. I couldn't get my tongue to move, even as I felt like screaming. My mind had gotten blank not knowing what to do, and all I wanted to do was to run away. He had made it so that I wouldn't be able to. He took a small step towards me to pressure me, but I still couldn't speak. I couldn't even close my eyes to escape for a moment as they stared up at him with horror.

"Say that you love me." The request came as a whisper, but it was actually more of a demand, an order. An order he expected me to follow. His hand still stayed under my chin, lying slightly on my neck as a silent threat. Would he hurt me if I didn't do as he said? Maybe he would only be content with making me pass out. Maybe not. It felt like my life was dangling on a single thread, as thin as his sanity was at the moment. My life was in his hands, and I wondered if I would just give up, with the only reason to be able to live. My heart was beating loudly; he probably felt it as one of his fingers was lying over one of the veins in my throat. The blood pulsed fast through it, as if it also knew that Ivan could with a simple press stop its passage to my brain. I felt like crying, thinking about how ridiculously easy he could end my life. How simple it would be for him to stop my heart.

_But he will never get it. _The rebellious thought resounded through my mind and gave me strength. I had almost forgotten. Even if he held me captive like this he would never have my heart. He had already my body as his property, but not me, not my soul nor my heart. I finally found air enough to speak with and gulped down my fear and uncertainty, even pulling away from his grip slightly. A motion he obviously noticed as he followed, switching his grip so that it got stronger and harder. He probably knew what I would say, and he wouldn't like it at all.

"I-I'm sorry…" I apologized without feeling sorry at all. My voice sounded unusually strong and sure, even as I forced it to not crack from fear. "…but I can't." I looked up at him. Trying to catch at least one of the emotions being displayed. There was anger, but I could see he knew I spoke the truth. "I can't say it." I pressured my limitations a little more making his eyes flash, but I stood firm. _He can't have my heart. He can't take my heart. _My thoughts whispered like a mantra, trying to overpower my fear. _He can't take control over my heart! _It almost became panicked as he pressed a little bit harder with his fingers against my neck. His hand had slipped down a little bit, so that it lay more on my throat than on my chin. My breath hitched, fear threatening to take over again. Even if I still felt strong, and knew I couldn't give up, it didn't mean I wasn't terrified of him.

"Why can't you say it?" He tilted his head in that particular childish way, but his voice was cold, so incredible cold. He dared me to say it again with that question. He'd moved closer, and I could feel the anger radiating from him. To escape was no longer an option. If I would go with his request he would probably call me a liar and punish me. I had to continue down the road I walked on, hoping it wouldn't fall away under my feet. I blinked in realization as I remembered my dream. If I wasn't fast enough, if I fell down… would I drown again?

I had to keep going, as his patience was running towards its end. "If I would say it… it would become a lie." For a moment his anger took over his and his hand closer over my neck. I gasped after air and screwed my eyes shut, sudden terror making my own hands go up trying to pull his away. While it wasn't as bad as that time long ago, since he only used one hand, it still freaked me out not being able to breathe. But after only one second, maybe more or maybe even less, his grip suddenly lost its power, even as the hand was still resting over my neck. I hyperventilated for a moment, before I managed to calm down. Some tears had found their way out as I had closed my eyes, and then opened them again. His hand moved over my neck, massaging it slowly. It was as if it couldn't decide whenever to let go or strangle me again. It did neither as it slipped around my neck and then placed itself on the back of my head.

With only a light movement, he pulled me towards him until my face was against his chest. I was frozen against him, having no idea what he would do. There was no way I could trust this strange gentleness. He was still angry, and any moment it could go out on his actions once again. The silence that rested over us was almost worse than before. Before I knew how he would react to my words. Now... it could go either way. He spoke again, and I could feel his eyes rest on me but I hid my face. "I love you so, so much, won't you return it?" He asked with softness in the voice, and a tiny hint of sadness. But it was just as if painting angel wings at a devil; I could still see the anger hiding just below the surface and that simple fact made me mistrust him even more. I shook my head in his clothes not trusting my voice to have the safe strength from before. "And you won't change your mind?" he asked, and this time I looked up at him, praying that he could somehow keep his rage down.

"N-No..." I answered, even stuttering at such a small word. I flinched when he smiled that devilishly smile and got ready to pull away. Not that I would be able to run from this room, but maybe I could close myself into the bathroom if I got away... dismissed, he would be able to get the door to that room up too. Ivan let me pull away one step but didn't let go of me. He even used his other hand as an extra insurance around the upper part of my arm. He bent down quickly and placed a light kiss on my lips. I shrugged away from it, but weirdly that didn't seem to upset him like it usually did. He only smiled sweetly and poisonous.

"I think I got something that might change your mind..."

He took use of the grip on my arm as he dragged me towards the door, locking it up. This caught me unprepared as we went outside the room that had been my prison for these closest days. It was almost like I didn't want to go out, but curiosity got the better of me and I followed him without much struggling. The trip went quick, and the whole time we walked he had that smile, like he was excited to see my reaction. I shivered and tried to keep up with him, as he was already particularly pulling me. I tried to remember what I was seeing, since I knew this would probably be my last chance seeing anything else than my prison-room. Once we walked by a window. It was already twilight outside, but you could still see the sun hinting over the horizon. The remaining sunbeams hit my eyes softly and I felt like stopping, slowing down a bit at least. Who knew you could miss even the feeling of light falling on your eyes. But with one simple pull the light was gone as we moved into another room and the feeling disappeared from my eyes. I missed it something terribly.

We stopped, not so far from the light, in front of a door. It wasn't locked since Ivan simply pulled it open, and then stepped aside. It was as if he wanted me to look inside first, but he still didn't release his grip on me. Hesitantly I walked around him, looking inside to the night-black room. It took a moment for me to get used to it so that I could see anything, but as my eyes got what they saw it felt like my heart broke. I could feel Ivan secure his grip around me as I started to shake, panicked and terrified. Peter.

"No! NO!" I screamed, tears already streaming down my face. I hadn't even noticed them forming but only felt them drip down from the tip of my chin. I got free from his grip for a moment and ran around him as I tried to get to Peter's unmoving body; it was being tied to a chair. But the moment after Ivan's hand found its grip again and pulled me back, embracing me tightly with both his arms. I knew I couldn't get free from his grip but I kept fighting against it, my mind being a maze with horror and desperation filling me up. "Peter!" My voice had already gotten harsh from screaming and cracked from tears. Why was he here? Why, why, why! I repeated his name until my screaming finally died down to sobs and hiccups. Still Ivan didn't let me go and held me. I reached a hand after Peter but of course there was no way I could reach. This couldn't be true. He wasn't supposed… he wasn't supposed to be here! The only thing I could slightly comfort myself with was that he didn't seem hurt. There was no blood that I could see from where I was standing, so Peter was hopefully only unconscious. "Why…?" I cried in defeat, hanging my head and Ivan released the grip he had around me slightly. This wasn't happening. I looked at Peter's blurry form and tried to make myself calm down. I had to think straight. But I couldn't. Everything inside me was like in a haze, and I couldn't make it clear.

"Aren't you happy?" Ivan's voice was a mix of emotions, it was questioning, sad, curious, annoyed and a little bit of joy. Just a little bit. Maybe it came from the ever-present smile on his face, maybe it was because he had known how I would react all this time. My whole body shook from my tears, and the way he held me would have been comfortable unless obvious reasons. "I brought him here just for you… shouldn't you be happy?"My tears stopped falling, as if someone closed a tap, but I still shook just as much as before, maybe even more. Was this my fault, for breaking the rules? Was this my punishment?

"L-Let him go…" I stuttered and squirmed in his grip. I wanted to go over to Peter just to check that he was alright, that he would be fine. "He… don't pull him into this." My voice was quiet as if it had lost all its power when I screamed. I felt weirdly empty; it was a creepy feeling that just kept spreading all inside me. Racing to win over the terror inhabiting my body.

"Why should I?" Ivan casually asked and let me go enough for him to walk around me so that he blocked my sight of Peter. "I don't like him." There was a bit of childish jealously in his voice, hidden behind anger. It felt like I was about to cry again.

"D-don't hurt him… you can't hurt him." I said with more strength than I thought I would be able to get compared to how I felt. It really was as if shards from my heart was cutting into my lungs and making it harder to speak, but I forced myself to it anyway. "Y-you just c-can't…"

The anger and jealously took over completely and I flinched back as he yelled. "Why do you care so much for him!" I felt the answer bubble up before I even heard it myself, and long before I could stop it from coming out.

"I love him!" I stopped as I had cried out, being just as surprised as Ivan over my own words. I almost felt like laughing. Ah, it was that stupid habit of mine of saying what I was feeling all the time. I had forgotten it.

"That makes me want to kill him even more." Ivan got away from me, his voice being murderous and he took the pipe that had been resting against a wall with him. He was quickly walking towards Peter and my body was filled with terror even more. Luckily that didn't make me freeze.

"No!" I screamed again, running after him and pulling at his arm. "Please, don't!" I begged him, though it seemed like my words was falling onto deaf ears. "Please not him." He casted a glance back at me as I pulled at his shirt trying to get him to not hurt my friend, the look in his eyes was of that cold blizzard. It made me want to crawl up and cry, but it made me realize what he was waiting for. "No…" I shook my head. I didn't want to say it. I didn't want to… I shot one look towards Peter, my best friend and the one who had given me my life back and it was settled. I didn't have a choice anyway. "Please stop." I pleaded and Ivan seemed to hear the change in my tone and finally stopped. If I would reach out my arm, I would be able to brush slightly by Peter's hair. I suddenly wanted to feel it, but didn't move the slightest knowing I couldn't. "I…" The words stopped in my throat. But I continued to push them out. I had to save Peter, my light. "I-I'll do a-anything… Ivan," I stuttered and he seemed curious to what I was about to say, I had even used his first name after all. "J-just let him go… and I'll do anything." I repeated again, now having grasped his clothes with both of my hands. They were turning white at the knuckles. I didn't dare to look up, but I heard the clattering as he dropped the pipe and it fell to the floor. Warm arms wrapped around me, closing me in.

"Anything, you say?" He asked to confirm and I nodded, his smile was certainly satisfied and approving. "The boy here should be dead." He said and I froze, my body shaking something terribly. Ivan hushed me calmly to soothe me before continuing. "I want him dead, and therefore he might as well be dead. Do you understand?" I understood his twisted logic, and stuttered a simple 'yes' in return. "Let's go from there, shall we? If you saves his life now, that means you give your own. You're not alive anymore." I gave him a nod so that he saw that I was aware of the meaning of his words. The familiar sense of hopelessness was coming once again. "And so, you can't be seen by the "living". That would be weird, right?" I hiccupped as I choked a sob, nodding into his chest once again. One of his hands guided my face up gently so that I looked at him. He was smiling tenderly. "You will never see the sun again. You won't ever see nor listen to anyone but me; I'm the only one there for you. You will be only mine, and you will exist only for me. Do you agree to this?" To never see the sun again. Only that thought was enough to make me terrified. I would never be able to laugh with everyone again, or play with them. I would never be able to see my friends, ever. To never see Peter smile again. A sad smile appeared on my lips as I thought about it; a life that I would be living, but without Peter, would be much worse than this. Why did I even think it over? "Well?" Ivan asked, he knew very well I couldn't refuse. I took a deep breath.

"I belong to you." The arms around me locked me completely as he pulled me into a tight but still somehow gentle embrace. I returned it weakly while looking beside him. I still didn't want his, and it felt like I was currently falling, falling, falling. Once again I got to think of my nightmare, that last time. Was this the part when I drowned?

"Say what I want to hear." Ivan whispered the same request from before in my ear and I suppressed a shudder. My body was numbing itself, and it felt almost like in the dream as if the red liquid surrounded me and subdued my feelings and movement. The moment I opened my mouth to say the words, I would drown and that would mark the path of my destiny that I would be walking. Tears dripped down as my sight started to get blurry, but I managed to stop them long enough to have a clear view of my unconscious friend, and love. Just as I smiled, his eyes started to move under the eyelids, and they started to flutter open. My smile got slightly bigger as I clung harder onto Ivan, concentrating on Peter with my eyes. The darkness from my dream was swallowing me whole. I spoke true words.

"I love you."

* * *

*hides*  
I'm (kinda, not really much actually) sorry for this ending. But Raivis already got an awesome rescue in the first chapter… and this was actually the only way I could imagine to end this^^" (I'm in the fanclub of *why-don't-we-let-the-bad-guys-win-once-in-a-while?* Ok, not really. :| But there would be awesome with such a fanclub!)

This has probably been the longest story I've ever written, and it feels kinda sad ending it, but I hope you enjoyed it^^"Thank you all for reading anyway, and an especially big thanks to Pinku and Kyuutchi! Your comments made me happy;w;

Now there's only the small epilogue left, and that's it from me;w;


	12. Continue?

I would love to end the whole story like the last chap. but I felt like I needed this anyhow…

(… to me this actually sounds more like a prologue than an epilogue… /shot/)

* * *

The café was closed down for the time being. They didn't feel like having it open, since everyone that came would ask where Raivis was. There would be questions, and there would be lies from those who knew. Raivis didn't come back, and to say there was no commotion would be a bigger lie than the ones Tino prepared to tell his costumers. Arthur cursed himself for letting Raivis go alone that easily, and Peter was in near hysterics. It didn't get better when both Francis and Vash found out through Lilly and Sey, the young girls being almost broken from worry.

Then, Peter disappeared too. Arthur left immediately after that, going on a search after the two being kidnapped. It was obvious that had happened after all. Tino wanted to search as well; he wanted to kill that bastard for taking them. But all he could do was to smile and lie, and hope that they would return.

After some days, just a few, Arthur came back holding Peter. The cheerfulness was all but there on the boy's face, his expression being sad and lost. But he was home and safe, making most feel relief. But Raivis wasn't there, he was gone without a trace. No one wanted to pressure Peter, since he was the only one that could have a clue. They decided to leave him alone, letting him recover fully before he told them anything, because something must have happened. Hopefully the boy would be able to cope with it, with the help of his two remaining friends. Hopefully he just needed time. Hopefully.

Eduard called sometimes, just reporting how he was so that they didn't need to worry for him too. But Tino heard, through that loud silence in the phone how he called to see if Raivis had returned _home._ And Tino wished he could give that news, he wished he could tell Eduard to not worry because they would protect him. They would all protect him so that no one could hurt him ever again.

They would have to open sooner or later, but for now... the café was closed down.

OxOxOxO

The gun clicked, over and over again as Lilly tried to shoot the already broken target far away on the indoor training area. She threw the gun to the ground, and picked up a new one from the belt at her hips. Switching target, she continued shooting at her new goal until that too had more holes than wood on it. One shot missed, and she hurriedly wiped away the tears that had made her aim hazy. The tears just kept coming and she lowered the gun again when she realized she couldn't stop crying. She felt so damn weak. A hand patted her gently and almost hesitantly on her hair and she turned around burying her face into his brother's chest. Vash wavered at first, before hugging her. Trying to calm her with words he'd never used before. She still held the gun clasped hardly in her hand.

Watching them, Sey looked down with sad eyes, glancing over to the broken targets. She knew how her friend felt, since she felt the same. They hadn't been able to save or even kept him safe in the least. She turned away from the sibling pair and disappeared from the building, for once going directly home and seeking up the blond Frenchman. He was in the kitchen, hair bound up in the back and humming slightly. When she came into the room he turned around looking at her.

"Could you teach me fencing?" Sey asked with unusual honesty and Francis was taking aback. When he looked at her asking her why with his eyes she turned away her glance. Sey's fists clenched. She didn't want to be so useless anymore. A gently hand brushed away some hair that had fallen into her face. Francis smiled at her with a smile filled with kindness and love.

"Of course, _mon petit lapin._" He said, and she sniffed.

OxOxOxO

"We got to save him!" Toris cracked voice hurt in his ears, and Feliks wished he could just close his eyes, and cover his ears. It was truly painful seeing his beloved one like this. Knowing that it was his fault. Feliks hurriedly hugged his brown-haired friend, just so that Toris wouldn't see the guilt in his eyes.

"There's nothing we can do." He shook his head, other words being displayed in his head than those coming out from his mouth. "We've done everything we could. They're already gone." The man shaking in his arm started sobbing, and hands found his shirt. Feliks embraced his friend, as if trying to keep the broken man together. _I don't want to let you go again. _He buried his face in the hair of the others. Surly, Toris would be alright now… Ivan had _s_aid that he wouldn't touch Toris ever again. Toris would be safe_. But to what price? _The look on Raivis face as Ivan had taken him suddenly came up. That surprised, terrified look. The grip hardened. As Raivis had fallen asleep in Ivan's arms, the Russian's eyes had been filled with a dark, obsessed kind of twisted love. Tears filled Feliks eyes, and he didn't try brushing them away. Was that how he looked at Toris? Toris reached up and put his arms around Feliks neck.

"D-don't cry… I'm sorry…" He whispered and nuzzled closer. "I know there was nothing you could do." The words were like a knife cutting through his heart. But just to be able hearing Toris voice… He had been so scared to lose the only one he loved and really cared for. And Toris was alright. Their positions changed, and now Toris was the one petting Feliks hair as he leaned his head against Toris chest. Deep in there he could hear the slow beating of a heart. _Toris is alright_, Feliks though. It was worth it…

…_right?_

OxOxOxO

Peter rolled over on his side in his bed. His head hurt. His eyes stung. His heart hurt. He was looking into the wall as he wasn't able to look at Raivis's bed standing cold and unused on the other side of the room. It was still there with the only reason of a small hope that he would return. Someday. Everything was like in a blur, and it hurt. All he could see when he closed his eyes, if only for a moment, was the scene playing over and over again.

_He heard Raivis voice, having already gotten faint even with the week they had been apart. And he had felt rage as he remembered the reason his voice was so weak and pale. They were talking slightly, but he didn't quite hear what. Not until Raivis last words. _

"I love you."

_He snapped his eyes open at that instant, and he met Raivis eyes. Their eyes met under a single flash, _about_ the time of when a lightning lights up the sky for a single moment. Raivis expression was sad, longing and hopeless. It looked like he was apologizing as he looked into Peter's eyes. Then the moment was over, and just like the lightning that disappears Raivis eyes… lost their light. They simply faded away as he rested his head against Ivan's chest. It was like a wall came up and blocked out everything around Raivis. _

Peter clasped his head, as the memories kept playing in his mind.

_Ivan smiled, triumphant and lovingly. Bowing down to kiss the smaller boy and Peter suddenly felt like puking. This is where he began screaming. He didn't quite remembering what, but it probably involved the things Arthur would say when he was truly pissed. Ivan looked like he barely noticed it, as he didn't even cast a glance at him. He picked Raivis up, easily as if he was a doll, and held him bridal-style. Peter cried and screamed and fought as Ivan carried his best friend (no, Raivis was even closer than a friend,) away. Raivis hung like a puppet without strings from that bastards grip. They disappeared for a minute or two, and Peter kept screaming after them. Pleading and hating. _

_When Ivan came back, alone this time. He had that creepy smile on his face, satisfied. Peter's breath had left him and he couldn't scream anymore. Just cry and curse it, why couldn't he protect Raivis? Curse it, curse it, damn it! And curse it, how the fear won over hate as he saw Ivan pick up the pipe lying on the floor. Smiling down at him. "I did promise not to hurt you, but we can make a small exception. Da?" he smiled crazed as the metal-pipe was heightening above Peter. His eyes widened. And then everything just got black._

Peter dried his tears while looking up in the white, now gray from the lack of light, ceiling above him. _Don't worry._ He thought, and made a promise with no one listening. _I'll save you._

I'll find you.

* * *

And that's it… Once again, thanks for reading and commenting. ;w;  
(…I feel weirdly empty right now…)


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